Waiting For Our Family To Grow

I'm MOVING

2011-05-21T22:51:00.000-07:00

I'm in the process of switching my blog to a new site...please join me on my new page:

www.shoeper-mom.blogspot.com

Since it is "in the works" right now...I think you will actually have to type in the web address in the google address bar NOT in the google search bar...it won't come up yet.

Let me know what you think...hope to see you all there.

Crazy Pain

2011-01-31T22:16:00.000-08:00

HOLY SMOKES!!!! OK...so do you remember how in my last post I mentioned how the ultrasound showed that my right ovary was at least two times the size of my left ovary and, on top of that, it also contained hemorrhagic cysts as well as multiple follicles.
Today, throughout my day at work, I felt some slight uncomfortableness on the lower right hand side of my abdomen. I didn't think much of it...knowing that things weren't all that great anyways on that "side". Later today, as I held Emily in my arms...rocking her as we sang our routine bedtime songs...I was hit with this amazingly sharp pain in the same place. I accidentally let out a small cry and had to immediately stop singing so I could just hold my breath in hopes of not freaking out Emily anymore. Luckily Craig was there...he kept singing for me, and then was able to take Emily as I sat there crying quietly in horrible pain.
Poor Emily!! She is so empathic to others...right away, she started crying and calling out for "mama". I didn't want to move from the rocking chair until the pain passed...but I felt awful for Emily. I tried to suck it up as I stood up to hold Emily and tried to comfort her, while still crying silently in pain. Craig continued to sing while I swayed with Emily. Eventually I was able to mutter out some of the words of the song that Craig was in the middle of singing. She had finally calmed down, but wanted to be held for a bit longer before being put down.
By the time I put her down in her crib, my pain had subsided. Thank you Lord!!! I had never felt that kind of pain before. It was so sharp and so sudden!!! I'm assuming it was a bursting cyst. I don't know!! I am just glad that it is done!! Have I mentioned that I'm done with Clomid?? Yea...I'm pretty sure this just sealed the deal for me. Hopefully this will be the only ruptured cyst...if that is what it was!!

Some Disappointing News...

2011-01-27T22:18:00.000-08:00

Arghh!!!!!
Well, I just had my ultrasound appointment today to monitor the old ovaries while on Clomid...and there was no good news to be told. The technician told me that she found two fibroids on my uterus and some hemorrhagic cysts in my right ovary. When looking at the pictures of my ovaries...the right side was, no joke, 2-3 larger than the left side. What the heck does this all mean?
I always struggle in hearing what the doctor has to say afterwards because I am in a state of shock. I remember her saying, at least I think that I heard her say, that the fibroids can become a cause of infertility. Immediately I could feel my eyes welling up. I kept telling myself, "BE STRONG!!!" "Stay strong Heather!!!" "Think of Emily...You have a beautiful baby girl...Think of Emily!! Meanwhile...at the same time, I'm thinking, "What the heck!?!?!? Seriously...another stumbling block? Another obstacle in my way...on top of everything else we are fighting against in trying to get pregnant? This is one sick joke! You have got to be kidding me!!!"
I know the doctor talked for a lot longer and was probably telling me stuff that I should have been listening to...but it is all just a blur to me. Oh yes, I do remember her saying that she recommended I take at least a month off from the Clomid in order to give my ovaries a break.

So, what now? I called Craig to tell him the good news, and could barely utter out the first words before I became incapable of communicating due to my quivering voice. What makes me so mad at myself is how quick I am to doubt the possibility of having another baby. I have my beautiful daughter sitting in the back seat of the car...and I'm crying because, once again, I have a bad report from the doctors...telling me that I have yet another obstacle. Why can't I stay strong? Why am I so quick to fall back into my old ways of doubt and worry...self pity and jealousy?

When I got home, I did some research on fibroids. It seems to be pretty common, however, the way that it can attribute to infertility is that it can hinder implantation, the risk of miscarriages increases, and depending on where they are located, they can also block fallopian tubes preventing the sperm from reaching the egg. The chances of these being a result of the fibroid is pretty slim...and I need to just remind myself of that because I so easily become that person where it feels like the walls are closing in on me and I am hopeless to stop it.
It's really no big deal...right? 50% of women get fibroids...just not this early in life. In talking with Craig, I kind of feel that I just need to be done with Clomid...for good. I only have one body, and I don't think it is worth it to damage my body if it isn't going to respond well to the medication and if other side effects could be avoided. I already have a hard enough time trying to get pregnant...why make things more difficult?
While researching on fibroids and cysts, I just so happened to come across an adoption website...hmmm. I just remember how good it felt, last time, to begin that process and to actually make progress in moving forward. So...I made a call, and left a message. I'm counting on hearing from them tomorrow.

I Had The Strangest Dream...

2011-01-11T05:15:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night that I was Hannah, Craig was Elkanah, and he actually had another wife Peninnah. What craziness....right? In my dream, Peninnah gave birth to a baby for Craig (or Elkanah, as was his name in my dream)...and she was just rubbing it in my face. I was so pissed. I felt so mad and hurt and upset and jealous. And not only did I feel those things towards "the other woman", but towards Craig as well. How could he? Why wasn't I enough for him?
Yes, I know this was a dream, but here it is, 5AM...and it is still very fresh in my mind. I kid you not, the thing that woke me up out of that nightmare, was not my alarm clock, but my own voice saying over and over again, "STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID". I began saying it in my dream about Peninnah, but I as started waking up and saw Craig next to me, though still completely out of it, I started saying it about him.

Aside from the crazy dream, the 100mg clomid isn't killing me to my surprise. I actually feel more subdued. I don't know if that is because of the clomid or because I have a head cold at the same time...but Craig has been absolutely amazing this time around. I feel as though I am being catered to...he has made amazing dinners, AND cookies!! He has brought me dessert from his parents house in the middle of his football games. He is making it impossible to blow up...which is great because I hate having to come back and apologize.

Back In The Saddle Again

2011-01-06T20:31:00.000-08:00

Well...it's a "no go" this month. I've got to say, it amazes me how, for me, when we are trying to conceive...I feel so superstitious. What do I mean? For example...my mom was always so careful around me with what she would say when we were struggling with infertility in the past. The only time that I remember her being so bold as to say that she thought I was pregnant...was when I actually ended up being pregnant. I guess it doesn't take long to forget the sensitivity that is needed in such situation...and in conversation, she stated, once again, that she thought I could be pregnant. I quickly put that theory to rest for her, while inside hoping that she was right...it was still too early to really know. Well, a small part of me actually believed that since she said it again, and since she was actually right the first time...maybe...just maybe she was right this time. NO WAY JOSE!!!
I have to admit though, I'm not doing as poorly as I thought I would. I really was hoping...and not only that...I really did think that this was it. I obviously put too much thought into the teeniest of symptoms and made mole hills into mountains...but that is what one does WHEN IT ISN'T SO DANG EASY getting pregnant like it is for the whole rest of the ENTIRE DARN WORLD!!!! You tell yourself a million times to not get your hopes up, but it is so ridiculously hard when the ultrasound tech says that everything looks great, and the nurse says things look promising, and then I feel like I have to get up all the time to empty my bladder (but do I even think to correlate it to the fact that I am also getting out of bed because Emily is crying...and since I'm up, I might as well use the restroom).
Just consider me as being back on the crazy bus now because I really don't see another option. I am back in the saddle again. Every month I will step onto my roller coaster ride (each month moving on to a crazier version)...over analyzing every little symptom as well as making some up in my head. I will wonder if the gas kicking around in my stomach is actually the baby embryo moving around (I said I was crazy...and yes, that ridiculous thought had entered my mind for a quick second...as crazy as that sounds). I will look back on forums for advice from girls who have no idea what they are talking about yet they will claim to give advice about how my doctors don't know what they are doing (true story). I will become all knowing and wise regarding how others should or (more importantly) should not be parents. I will see others who are parents...who didn't want to be...and therefore question God's intentions, while at the same time providing God with advice about how he should have done things differently. I will start thinking that my "pooch" growing could be the result of a pregnancy rather than a result of me falling for the temptation at the grocery store line: buy 3 candy bars, get 3 free.
Honestly, like I said, I'm doing a lot better than I anticipated...since I had blown so much out of proportion in hopes of actually thinking that I could possible be pregnant. I know that I will be OK if Emily doesn't become a big sister soon. Emily is still so young...and it would be a lot of hard work having two little kids so close in age. I am just fearful of how long it will take again. I knew going into this that it wouldn't happen easily. I was just hoping that this time would be different. I was hoping that my body would have figured out how it was supposed to work. I was hoping that since I already have "my testimony" with Emily now, that I wouldn't have to go through it all over again. One of my favorite movie lines says, "You can wish in one hand and crap in the other...and see which one fills up first". Emily is my answered prayer. Emily is a dream come true. Will I be happy with just one child...absolutely, how could you not be with an amazing child like Emily? Will I be sad/heartbroken if I don't have another child? Honestly...yea. Emily is so wonderful...of course I want more just like her. If it comes down to it, will Emily be enough to satisfy me? I don't even have to think about that...a million times YES!!!!! I hope it doesn't seem like I'm contradicting myself.
In closing...I begin another round of clomid this cycle...a double up dose from last month. Pray for me, or better yet, pray for Craig!!!!

How Quickly I Forgot...

2010-12-30T20:41:00.000-08:00

WOW...where did that psycho come from?? All I know is that I'm glad to see her go, and I'm positive my husband feels the same way. I feel like I went into this cycle completely unprepared. All I remember about clomid, from my past journaling, was having awful headaches and hot flashes. For some reason I didn't write about the crazy psycho BIOTCH that arrives in my place while taking clomid. It seriously felt like I had no control at times...I could hear my conscious telling me, "Mayday!!! Mayday!!! Retreat!!! Retreat!!!", but by then it was too late...my evil twin had arrived and Craig was non the wiser...an easy victim...unfortunately. A small part of me wonders...could I have controlled my temper more? Did I "let go" more because I could use the excuse of being on clomid? I really hope that isn't the case...it is just such a weird feeling knowing that I am about to step over the edge...and feeling like I am not able to stop.
Aside from the psycho tendencies...the hot flashes were killer ridiculous!! I actually didn't even remember the hot flashes until my first one happened at work. I was in the middle of teaching class, and it came over me like a heat wave. "Wooo....WOW...ummm...did it just get really hot in here?? Is it just me? WOW...ummm...I'm just going to open up this door (which leads to the outside...IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER)."
I went to the doctor for my "day #21" check-up (remember, I'm not going through a fertility clinic, so I'm not being monitored as closely). Everything looked "great". There were, on average, about ten follicles in each ovary and the ultrasound showed possible ovulation. The doctor seemed very optimistic...though I have trained myself to take it all at face value.
I'm trying so hard not to get my hopes up, but I find myself utterly failing!!! For the first time, I have fallen back to some old tendencies: researching every possible symptom, reading online forums, reacting differently to pregnancy announcements (My first natural reaction, in my head, is to feel bad about myself and question whether I'll get to announce my own pregnancy again...but, at least for now, I can quickly shake it off and be happy for my friends), etc. As I'm starting to touch on those feelings again, it worries me. I don't want to go there and it makes me nervous to continue with the medication, especially when the doctor wants to double the dosage.
The waiting part of this cycle is making me so stressed out!!! I find that I am looking up which "cycle day" I'm on...every single day. How is it possible that I don't remember from the day before? Who knows!! I want to take a home pregnancy test (HPT) but the stinky thing for me is that when I actually was pregnant, my first HPT was negative, and I took it pretty late in the cycle. So, I feel like there is absolutely no point in taking a test.
Grrr!!!!!! OK, this was all probably way more than I wanted to share with you all, but I have had a lot of people thank me for being honest in the past...so I will do my best to continue the brutal honesty now and in the future.

"THE VISIT"

2010-11-12T21:47:00.000-08:00

After calling Seattle Reproductive to inquire about a consultation meeting with their doctor...I found out that the appointment would cost $350 and that doesn't include any lab work. I really wasn't that surprised though...I knew my insurance didn't cover anything, but I guess I had a small amount of hope that maybe...I don't know...I guess I have a short memory because nothing was covered before, why would I think that it would be covered now?
So, I thought, maybe I could save some money...if I'm going to have to get labs taken, why not get them with my regular gynecologist so that my insurance would cover the cost? To my advantage, the office had an opening on my day off recently, so I was able to see one of my favorite mid-wives. After giving her the update of the past five years and sharing with her my new fears of having an irregular cycle and inquiring about PCOS...she was able to calm me down. She began by saying I clearly don't have PCOS and as for my irregular cycle, she seemed to think that, even though my cycle isn't the most consistent of cycles, she still believes that I am somewhat regular and quite possibly ovulating. She didn't recommend having any labs drawn. She said that it really didn't need to be done since I have already had labs drawn in the past and it really wouldn't change her recommendation of putting my on clomid. Clearly, Craig and I were able to get pregnant, so something worked out the way it should have.
I questioned her recommendation of using clomid. My fear was that, since I was told, in the past, that I don't really ovulate, what good would clomid do for me. I always understood clomid to be able to tell your ovaries to create a bunch of follicles...but if you can't ovulate, nothing would happen to the follicles. When I was at the GYFT, they would actually give me a shot that forced me to ovulate the follicles. My mid-wife corrected my misconception of clomid telling me that clomid is actually an ovulation enforcer. The reason I was given a shot at the GYFT was so that they could control as much of my cycle as possible. By controlling ovulation they would know the exact day to perform each of the inseminations...makes sense to me now!!
So, what's the conclusion? After talking to Craig, we agreed to hold off on the the consultation with SRM. It just doesn't make sense since I don't want to do anymore "big" procedures. We decided to move forward with clomid through my regular gynocologist's office. It would be completely covered by insurance under "irregular cycles" since clomid is used to regulate cycles. So, there you have it. Bring on the hormones...this should be interesting. Looking back at my journal, the only thing I wrote was that clomid gave me crazy headaches...hopefully that was the worst of it.

One Of Many "Talks"...

2010-11-07T17:29:00.000-08:00

Since my sort-of "break down"...Craig and I agreed to come up with a day and time where we could sit down and discuss our "options". I know most of my "break down" is due to some heightened emotions, but I still think that it also brought to light some concerns/issues that were being ignored or suppressed.
Once we were able to find some time, it was interesting what came up. Right away, Craig brought up adoption and how he was ready to get the process started. On a side note: A couple of weeks prior to this Craig was on a business trip to Virginia. During his time there, he met with his boss for his review. She shared with him about their adoption process and how they have a close relationship with the birth-mother and how wonderful the entire experience was/is. It really impressed Craig.
Me, on the other hand, came to the conversation with the desire to go back to the fertility clinic. I feel a little torn with this desire. I feel like...after all I have been through...it almost feels like I am not "trusting" that I will get the same miracle again!! That is my fear in sharing this with others around me. What are they going to say? Are they going to tell me to "relax" again? Are they going to tell me to just give it more time? But then...why do I care what they have to say? In these situations anyone can say, "I don't care what they think", but it so matters. It matters because I, unfortunately, put weight on what others say and think. I ponder it...and I let it get to me. So...back to "the conversation".
In wanting to go back to the clinic...what I mean is that I want to try out the new clinic that moved into town: Seattle Reproductive Clinic. I looked into them before, but I didn't want to have to travel to Seattle for each and every procedure...so they were eliminated. Well, now they have a satellite office in Tacoma now. I told Craig that I was just interested in having a consultation meeting with a doctor to see what they thought of our past procedures and diagnoses. I absolutely DO NOT want to have major procedures done, but I am curious about whether or not the doctor would recommend any pill/hormones that could balance me out in hopes of allowing my body to do what it needs to do for a pregnancy.
So, at the end of our conversation, the verdict is as follows:
We will continue to try on our own for three more months. During that time, we will meet and have a consultation with Seattle Reproductive Medicine (SRM) just to see what they recommend. After three months, Craig and I will regroup and figure out what's next.

Flash Back

2010-11-02T21:05:00.000-07:00

Well, today I felt like crap for most of the day. Let me back up and explain...at least what I believe to be the cause of my crappy feeling:
Last night was the meeting for our infertility support group. Only three of us were able to show up, which always makes for an interesting discussion night. I feel like, the smaller the group, the deeper the conversation because less people get more time to talk and share.
So, anyways, one of the girls asked me if I was diagnosed, by my previous doctor, with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome). I had never heard that term used to describe my cause of infertility...but she insisted that, from the symptoms I described to the group (irregular cycles and lack of ovulation), that she was sure that I had PCOS. I wasn't really bothered by the insistence...though I thought, but it got me to think..."Do I have PCOS?" "Is that why I'm not pregnant now?" "Is that keeping me from getting pregnant this second time around...because I was so sure that the second pregnancy would be quick and easy." "Did the doctors misdiagnose me?" The questions just kept running around in my head.
Later on, towards the end of the meeting, the other girl had asked me about our plans for having more children. This provided me the perfect opportunity to share that Craig and I had actually been trying for over a year now for baby #2. (I was always so afraid to bring that up because I didn't want to be "that" person in the infertility group who already had a baby and was greedy for another one...when the other girls in the group were desiring just one). I shared with them that Craig and I decided that once we were given the A.O.K. to start trying again, that we would do exactly that. I brought up how so many statistics say that once your body has a baby, it is able to figure out how it is intended to function and the second time around isn't as difficult...but I am finding that to not really apply to me. I shared how I was so excited because I thought my cycles were finally "regular" at 38 days...until the nurse told me that a 38 day cycle pretty much means no ovulation.
So...put those two things together: being able to be open about being back in the saddle with "trying" for baby #2 for over a year with no luck...and then having someone tell you that they are sure you have PCOS...for the first time since Emily...I began to feel infertile again.
As a result, I felt like CRAP all day today. I felt like at any moment I could just let the flood gates open. I felt like "WOE is me"...and I so hated feeling like that!!!! I have such a wonderful daughter...who by the way, as I was telling Craig how I was feeling...and crying on his shoulder, Emily came over to me and gave me hug and hug after hug because her mommy was crying. I DO NOT want to fall back into depression, and I know that I am just letting lies fill my head: battlefield of the mind!!!!
So, I find myself at a crossroad. Do I continue to try for baby #2 knowing that God has done a miracle with Emily and is more than capable to perform another miracle in me? Or do I seek out medical help (which I don't believe is "giving up" on God!!!) with SRM (who, by the way, has just so happened to open up a new office in Tacoma!!!) Part of me is SO CURIOUS as to what they would recommend!!! I am not looking to do any "procedures" any time soon!!! NO WAY JOSE!!! I am just wondering if they would recommend some hormone pills or something extremely basic!
There you have it!! Here we go again!

Infertility Support Group

2010-10-04T22:03:00.000-07:00

Over the summer, an infertility support group has started at my church and I have been given the privilege in helping to lead it. So far we have met four times now, and each meeting has brought with it a new member. I am honored to be a part of this group, to be able to encourage women who are in the middle of such a difficult and extremely lonely and isolating journey. What humbles me the most is that they are willing to accept me into the group...even though I now have Emily.

When I put myself back in "that" place, I would never, in a million years, want to receive encouragement or prayer from someone who wasn't CURRENTLY fighting the same battle...because, in my eyes, they had no clue what I was going through. Yes, I would acknowledge the fact that they had "struggled" with infertility...but how could that person really know what I was going through if they had won their battle and given birth to a child? They no longer feel the same pain or loneliness. They no longer have to wonder if they will ever become a mother.
A part of me feels guilty for wanting to be a part of this amazing group. In no way do I want to bring more bitterness or jealousy into their hearts. Is it selfish for me to be a part of this?

NOW, that I am "on the other side of the fence" I know that my pain is still fresh. I know that I will NEVER forget the hurt, the torture, the hate, the bitterness, the jealousy, the anger that I had felt. My desire, in being a part of this support group, is to be the support. I don't necessarily want to say, "Hey, look at me!!! Look at my happy ending!! If you wait just a little longer, you too can have an Emily." That's not it at all!!! I simply want to be a pillar for these women to lean on. A safe place for them to vent. A sweet word of encouragement when nothing seems to soothe the pain.

Man...tonight was such a tough night as a newer member shared her story. It seemed to mirror my own journey. Both her and her husband had obstacles to overcome. I couldn't believe when she shared that, just last month, she had gone through her first IVF, and had transferred five embryos...JUST LIKE ME...and, unfortunately, just like me, she got the call from the nurse telling her that her results were negative. SON OF A ~~~~~!!!! I just wanted to cry. So much of my past pain began to overwhelm me. I still don't understand how I, how women and spouses, survive such a tragedy...such a loss. None of this journey is fair...I have never understood why so many wonderful and deserving people struggle in becoming parents...and then there are so many people with children that don't deserve them...can't handle them or afford them, or LOVE them!!!! Even now, I am reminded of what my Pastor said in his message from my letter two years ago: "There are no accidental children, just accidental parents."

I am so blessed to be a part of this group, and thankful to be accepted. I pray that the scars of my own journey are not forgotten, but can shared with others in order to bring hope in a place where it might otherwise be lost.

I'm Baaaaaack!!!

2010-08-11T21:23:00.000-07:00

Alright, so it seems as though I have fallen off of the face of the earth. I apologize for dropping the blog thing. A lot has been going on recently that has created a renewed desire to get back to my blog writing. So, what do I write about? I originally started this blog because I had struggled with infertility for four years, went through all sorts of infertility treatments (IUI through IVF)...all of which failed. I began this blog as my husband and I took a new direction as we "waited for our family to grow". As we looked into the adoption process...what do you know...I became pregnant.

Now, our baby girl, Emily Jolene, has just turned one year old. No...this is not going to be another blog about an average family...I am going to continue the original theme of this blog...WAITING FOR OUR FAMILY TO GROW.

Hubby and I would love to have more than one baby!!! I have heard so many times that people who have struggled with infertility and eventually became pregnant, that their bodies finally know what to do and they don't struggle in trying to pregnant in the future. Hmm...how true is that? Since it took us four years to get Emily, we both agreed that there would be no reason to use birth control because we had no idea how long it would take to get pregnant again. On top of that...WE WANT MORE!!!! So, needless to say, we are doing what we can :)
Well, the other week, we had a baby dedication at our church. The baby being dedicated was a foster child that the family was able to adopt. As the family shared their story, my eyes began to water...my heart had just reopened to the idea of "foster to adopt". I remember Craig and I talking, at the beginning of my pregnancy, about how our venture into the adoption process will always hold a place in our hearts and how we would stay open to that direction in the future. Well...HELLO FUTURE!! As of now, we have been "trying" for about the last six+ months. Since the recent baby dedication, Craig and I (Well, more me bringing the conversation up to Craig) have been talking about the "foster to adopt" process.
I love the "foster to adopt" route for a number of reasons. First, my mom was rescued by an amazing foster family...and I am always grateful for what that family has done for her. Second, as a teacher, my heart continually breaks each year as I hear about some of my student's home lives. Sometimes I just want to take these kids home and give them a life that they need and deserve. I would just love to be able to provide a new life, a home, and tons of love for a child that wouldn't otherwise get it.
So...this is where my blog comes into play. Join me on this journey as we continue to "wait for our family to grow".

Easter Bunny

2010-04-28T21:53:00.000-07:00

Easter

2010-04-28T21:51:00.001-07:00

Beginning Shrimp Classes at the YMCA

2010-03-13T15:10:00.001-08:00

Swimming class has been SO MUCH fun!! The first class that we were in, they wanted to do an underwater pass with Emily...where the instructor would take Emily and pass her to us by quickly putting her head first into the water and then lifting her out as she passed her to us. Emily was pretty much in shock. As soon as her head came out of the water, she blinked a bunch of times and then just started to cry. Luckily we brought her binky with us...such the lifesaver. Other than the "head under the water" passes, Emily loves swimming classes. As soon as we walk towards the pool, she starts kicking right away. It took us about five classes to get used to the under water pass and not cry.
This has been so much fun!!! I love all of the fun songs we sing as she learns to kick and paddle in the water. She loves it when she gets to sit on the edge of the pool and we sing songs like "Humpty Dumpty" or "I'm a Little Teapot" before the hop on in the pool. LOVE IT!!!

Valentine's Day

2010-03-11T22:09:00.001-08:00

Valentine's Day was a lot of fun. It was so beautiful outside, Craig and I decided to put Emily in the Bjorn and go for a walk to Mandalin Cafe. I have always wanted to try it out. The food was good, the weather was perfect, and we just had a great time together.

6 Month Pictures

2010-03-11T22:05:00.001-08:00

6 Month Celebration

2010-03-11T21:51:00.001-08:00

For Emily's 6 month celebration, family came over for some pizza and yummy cupcakes. NO...Emily did not eat the cupcake in front of her, instead she got to eat her first "sweet potatoes"...and she LOVED them!!

5 Months Old

2010-03-11T21:43:00.001-08:00

Green Beans...Her First Vegetables

2010-03-11T21:31:00.000-08:00

Mmm...Green Beans. This is one of those lessons where I have to teach Emily to do as I say, not as I do. I hate vegetables and I have always wondered how I would be able enforce my children eating them...when I don't. Well, "I'm the mom!" I love that I get to say that now.
With all joking aside, Emily actually loves all of her vegetables AND fruit. She hasn't shown any signs of being a picky eater yet.

A Visit With Santa

2010-03-10T23:48:00.000-08:00

Emily's First Christmas

2010-03-10T22:16:00.000-08:00

Emily's first Christmas. I was surprised at how much she was into it...granted, I know she had no idea what was going on, but she sure had fun with her packages. Everything from the boxes to the wrapping paper to the gifts inside...went straight into her mouth.

We had a lot of fun with family. Christmas Eve, Craig's family came over to celebrate as Craig cooked one heck of a feast. Once the house was empty, and Emily was in bed...Craig and I staged the Christmas tree to look like Santa had visited the house. Christmas morning, Emily woke up to all of the Christmas presents under the tree (Yea, it was more for Craig and I's sake...but still a lot of fun).
After opening our gifts, we all got dressed and ready to head over to my parent's house. Emily's cousins are always so excited to hang out with her. All of the Grandkids sat around Grandpa as he read the Christmas Story to them. Justin even got to hold Emily during the story...which he was so excited about. Afterwards, the kids opened up more gifts and then we enjoyed one of mom's delicious feasts.

SO MUCH FUN!!

Emily's Dedication

2010-03-10T21:57:00.001-08:00

Emily Jolene was dedicated at Life Center on November 29th, 2009. We felt so blessed to have our family come and participate in this event. First of all...let's talk about the outfit...TOO CUTE!!! When I saw this outfit at Children's Place, I couldn't resist...the hat was just too adorable. When Pastor Dean held Emily up to the congregation, you could hear the "ooh's" and "aah's".
When holding Emily, Pastor reminded the congregation about Emily's story...how she shouldn't even be here according to our doctors. It didn't take long before I started to tear up. Dedicating my baby girl was something that I never got a chance to dream of. For four years, I was just consumed with the thoughts of becoming pregnant. As I was standing on the stage, reaching my hand out to my daughter as Pastor prayed over, I was just overwhelmed. I was so thankful for her life and for who she is going to become. I know that God has GREAT plans for her life and I can't wait to watch them unfold as she grows.

Halloween

2010-03-10T21:47:00.001-08:00

Emily's first Halloween. We took a trip to the pumpkin patch, but as soon as we got out of the car...she made it very clear that she was not happy. We tried to get some cute pictures, but unfortunately we were only able to get one good one before she needed her binky. Towards the end, she was so unhappy that we left without even picking out a pumpkin. Oops!!
Isn't her Halloween costume the cutest?!? For Emily's first Halloween, she was dressed up a Tinkerbell. ADORABLE!! It even came with a wand/rattle. I love being a mom...and I love having a daughter!!

TUMMY TIME

2010-03-10T21:42:00.000-08:00

From day one, Emily showed great neck strength...so she was thrilled to start "tummy time". I used the boppy to help her out...like all babies, she could only take a few minutes of it before she got frustrated and would start to whine until Mommy came to the rescue.

First Month Celebration

2010-03-10T21:35:00.000-08:00

This was Emily's "One Month Celebration". Our families came over and we had some delicious pizza as Emily was handed around for everyone to hold and love on. I love this picture with her cousins. Justin held up bunny ears, and Connor (not understanding the bunny ears) held up three fingers, because Justin was holding up two. Boy...I just love those two.

11 Days Old

2010-03-10T21:29:00.000-08:00

My beautiful daughter at 11 days old. Thank you Jessica for taking amazing pictures.

It's been too long

2009-11-16T21:50:00.000-08:00

Emily is absolutely PERFECT!!! So much has happened. I cannot believe she is already three and a half months old. She is smiling, laughing, holding her hands together...and she can roll over from her tummy to her back!!! She is just an absolute blessing to us. Every now and then I still find myself getting teary eyed when I look at her and think of all that we had gone through to get her...and she was worth it all...every doctor's appointment, every needle poke, every call from the nurse telling me my results were negative...again, every failed procedure, every tear, every hopeless night...she was worth it all.
I will spend the next couple of days updating my blog with what has been going on...and I will work to keep it updated, especially for friends out of state...who haven't even met Emily yet!!
Until then, here is a picture to hold you over.

Emily Jolene Wright

2009-08-06T10:24:00.001-07:00

Craig and I were finally able to decide on a middle name. It was so important to me to find a middle name that had a meaning which would reflect the long journey it took to bring Emily into this world. After many contenders, we finally settled on Jolene. The meaning of Jolene is, "God has added/increased". One website went so far as to define Jolene as meaning: "God has added a child". That is what did it for me. The name was perfect!!! It had the perfect meaning, and it was unique...you don't hear too many people with that name. Craig and I both loved it...and when the time finally came to meet Emily face to face...it fit her perfectly!!!

I'd like you all to meet, Emily Jolene Wright...my beautiful daughter.

Labor and Delivery

2009-08-06T09:47:00.000-07:00

Monday, the 27th of July, was the BIG day. It started with a visit to the Chiropractor...she said if I haven't given birth by Monday, she wanted me to come in and she would try some techniques get things moving. She did a couple of pressure points on the inside of my knees and then massaged my round ligaments to try and loosen them up. Right after that appointment, I had my weekly appointment with my doctor. Once again, they asked if I wanted to be checked for dilation. I hesitated, but then decided to go for it. It turns out that I was dilated to 5cm!!! She couldn't believe I wasn't in labor. She then asked if I wanted her to "strip my membranes". She said that if I were close to giving birth, that this process would push me over the edge...however, if my body wasn't ready, nothing would happen. I decided...WHY NOT?!?! As soon as she did her thing, I had a small contraction.
I then asked her...since I'm so far dilated, do you still want me to wait for one hour before going to the hospital should I start getting consistent contractions. She said, NO...as soon as they are somewhat consistent, go to the hospital...as soon as your water breaks, go to the hospital.
I came home and told Craig all about the appointment. He was so excited...he even started to pack the car and arranged for the dog to be taken care of. He was so sure it was going to be that afternoon.
It's about 11 o'clock in the afternoon now, and I was having some contractions, but nothing too painful so I didn't think to monitor them. By noon, we decided to go to McDonalds for lunch. Since I was having more contractions, I decided to bring a paper and pen so we could keep track of the contractions just in case. As we recorded the times, it turned out that they were consistently four minutes apart and lasting for at least one minute long, however they weren't painful at all. When we arrived back home, we decided to call the doctor's office and ask them what they wanted us to do. Unfortunately, they were out to lunch, so we ended up calling the hospital and talking to the Labor & Delivery nurses. They said that we needed to come in so they could monitor the contractions themselves.
I was so nervous because, since the contractions weren't painful, I was afraid that they were going to send us home. Once we arrived, they hooked me up to the computer system...and it verified our own recordings: contractions every four minutes lasting for about a minute long. She also checked my cervix and I was still dilated at 5cm. She said...you are definitely staying.
After about an hour she checked my cervix again...6cm...still the contractions were not painful. She suggested we go walk around the hospital to try and speed things along...and possibly break my water. One more hour had passed, she checked my again and I was still dilated to 6cm. After reporting to the doctor, she told us that the doctor suggested that I go home for a couple of hours...but since the nurse thought we were so nice and she knew we didn't want to go home, she went to bat for us and convinced my doctor to let us stay.
Around 6, my doctor arrived to break my water. THAT WAS SUCH A WEIRD FEELING!!! Once my water broke...my contractions came on with a vengeance. I kept asking myself...is this painful enough for an epidural, or is it going to get a lot worse? Is this painful enough for an epidural, or is it going to get a lot worse? Now, don't get me wrong...I definitely wanted an epidural...I just didn't want to get it too early that it would slow down the labor. FINALLY...I had had enough. "I NEED AN EPIDURAL NOW!!" Unfortunately, no one told me that the nurse would have to start an IV and wait for half of a liter of saline to go in before they could start the epidural. I was P.O.'d!!! How come nobody told me this before?!?! On top of that...the anesthesiologist was in the O.R.
As I tried to work through the contractions...I didn't want anyone to talk to me or touch me. I just covered my eyes with one hand and tried to remember to breathe. They were so close together, about 2 minutes, that it provided me with little to no break in between. FINALLY, the anesthesiologist came the rescue. The man got the job done in about five minutes...and I was in HEAVEN!!!! It was amazing, I didn't believe that it could take the pain away...but it was a miracle worker. For the next couple of hours, I just lay in bed and relaxed with the family until it was time to push.
At 9PM, the nurse came in to check my cervix once again. She said, "You are at 10cm and I can feel her head...you are all ready to start pushing!" I was so excited...so nervous and afraid...but mostly I just couldn't wait to meet Emily. My family stepped out of the room, and 45 minutes later...Emily arrived. It was the most amazing moment of my life. They immediately placed her on my chest and I couldn't believe what had just happened. My daughter, my baby girl, was here...and I was holding her. She was so beautiful. I remember looking at Craig and just seeing him glowing with excitement. He got to cut the cord, and then they took Emily to the nurse to get assessed and cleaned up. Even now, as I think back...it just feels like a dream.
Once Emily was all cleaned up, and I was stitched up and decent, we let the family back in to meet their new granddaughter. There wasn't a dry eye in the room.

Still Waiting...

2009-07-26T12:46:00.000-07:00

I am about to start charging Emily rent with each passing day. I'm beginning to regret the doctor telling me that she didn't think I would make it past this week. Well, the end of "that week" is past. It is now Sunday, a new week has begun, and I still don't have a little baby to hold in my arms. I just keep telling myself, God isn't finished with her yet.
As I wait, the house is clean, the laundry remains to stay finished, and I have been keeping busy with scrapbooking. At the same time, Craig and I were never really "settled" on a middle name for her. We thought we found one, then decided it just wasn't "perfect"...so we started to look again...found another one we liked...that lasted for less than a day...and the search continued. This continued on for about a week. Well, I am proud to say, we have found the "perfect" middle name. I will share with you all "after" she arrives.

Emily's Nursery

2009-07-22T22:00:00.001-07:00

Dr. Appointment

2009-07-21T12:16:00.000-07:00

Well, I had a doctor appointment today.

They asked if I wanted my cervix checked for the first time. At first I was going to say no because I was afraid that she would tell me I haven't dilated yet...then I decided to go for it. I wanted to know what I was dealing with...
The doctor did her thing and announced the following...I am three centimeters dilated and 60% effaced. Her guess is that Emily will be arriving before the week is over. I SO HOPE SHE IS RIGHT!!!

Still Here...

2009-07-20T22:49:00.000-07:00

Yes...ten days until the due date, but I AM SO READY!!! I have waited long enough...beyond the nine months...try four years. I am so ready to hold Emily for the first time, and yes...I'm ready to not be pregnant anymore. I never thought those words would pass through my lips, but I have officially reached the uncomfortable phase.
Some of my maternity clothes are getting a bit too tight, my back is completely out of alignment (I have to schedule weekly chiropractic appointments), I absolutely can't stand sleeping on my side (and my hips can testify to that)...but nonetheless...I still love feeling her move around inside. I'll admit, some of her kicks to the ribs can be somewhat painful...but any movement from her continues to reassure me that she is OK. Yes...with only ten more days until my due date, I am still terrified that I won't have a baby to bring home from the hospital. This all continues to be too good to be true, which is why I want her NOW and not later.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow...I have already asked her how long she will let me go before we start talking about inducing. She said that if I go to 41 weeks that we would talk about it. That's good, I was afraid she would have me go to 42 weeks.

Have I dropped yet? Yes and no...last week my mother swears that I had dropped. She said that I had more room between my boobs and my belly. This week, unfortunately, she changed her mind. Can Emily actually move back up? Who knows.

I started looking up ways to induce labor naturally. I found a few articles that swear by acupuncture. I brought it up to Craig and he isn't ready to start trying to induce labor. NOT FAIR!!! Why does he get to say yes or no? Is he the uncomfortable one? NO Is he the one with all the weight gain? NO Is he the one with the swollen ankles? NO Is he the one who cannot sleep? NO Is he the one who is having a hard time getting around and doing simple tasks throughout the day? NO HE IS NOT!!

Whatever...a few more days won't hurt, I guess. I just want to meet Emily SO BADLY!!!! I want to spend time with her! I want to hold her! I want to play with her! I am just tired of having her be in belly and not in my arms.

No More Baby Showers

2009-06-30T20:24:00.001-07:00

This weekend was the last of my baby showers...bitter/sweet.

Aimee and Kate gave me an AMAZING baby shower on Saturday. I loved everything about it!!! First of all, the shower was beautifully decorated. Those two girls are so creative. The theme of the shower was: ABC's. They had cute alphabet signs hanging around the house, homemade sugar cookies of my initials and Emily's, and of course the cake was decorated with ABC's. The shower began with the food (an excellent way of starting any party), and I loved that they had the outside deck all set up with multiple tables to eat and socialize in the warm sun. Once all of the guests arrived and had a chance to feast...we came inside to play yet another new baby shower game (at least it was new to me...since I have been avoiding baby showers for the last four years). The game was a memory game. They had a poster board all done up with 3X5 cards that had different baby related items on the back. If you were able to find a match, you won a candy bar that was related to baby item. For example: Inverted Nipples = Milk Duds, and Parents = Nerds Candy. After each of the games were played, it was gift opening time.
I was so amazed at how much thought and love went into creating this shower. It just continues to remind me of how wonderful my friends are. I truly am blessed by each of them. THANK YOU AIMEE AND KATE!!!

Sunday, the following day, I had my last shower. This one was given to me by different family members: My two Aunts: Hallie and Fran, my sister-in-law: Tammi, and my mother-in-law: Yo. I am so surprised to have been given five baby showers that are all unique in their own special way. This shower started off with the CRAZIEST of baby shower games...the ol' melted candy in the diaper and you try and guess what it is. Everyone got a hoot out of this game. I couldn't believe how competitive these women were...some went so far as to taste the melted chocolate. Imagine...a diaper with some sort of melted chocolate (resembling *poop*) and watching as someone puts the diaper up to their mouth. It was GREAT!!! This game was the perfect ice breaker. Afterwards, mothers were encouraged to share "motherly" stories. These were really fun to hear. I warned my mother to "choose her words wisely". She didn't embarrass me too much :) Once the last story was shared, everyone went to fill up their plates with yummy food and, for the last time, it was time to open gifts.

Emily has been so blessed by each and everyone of these baby showers. We are so thankful to everyone who offered up continual prayer for Craig and I, as well as for Emily. It is clear, that we are surrounded by people who love and care for us deeply. THANK YOU EVERYONE!!!

Nesting Phase....

2009-06-26T14:58:00.000-07:00

My nesting phase is not only driving my husband crazy, but I am also driving myself crazy!!! I have created two lists: one that my husband said he would complete and one for myself to complete. Unfortunately, as I attempt to accomplish my list my husband keeps reminding me that none of the things on my list "have" to get done before Emily arrives. That's what he thinks. I keep trying to explain to the man that I understand none of it HAS to get done, but in a sense...it does...to me!!! I have all of these things that I would like to get accomplished BEFORE Emily arrives so that I don't have to worry about AFTER she arrives. I know that if it doesn't get done then it will only continue to stress me out afterwards because I know that I won't have the time to accomplish it with Emily.

So...Craig has finally come to an acceptance of his list and I am AMAZED at what he has accomplished!! He has spent the past couple of weekends working out in the yard. He even recruited our nephew to help him out. The yard is finally starting to fit in with our neighbors manicured yards. My favorite accomplishment of his, thus far, is the basement. The thing was OUT OF CONTROL. He took two days to purge, organize, and clean the whole thing. You can actually see the floor!!! This may not seem like a huge accomplishment, but if you have actually seen the basement, you would know that this he had to have worked his butt off!!!

As for my list...I have been focusing on one room per day since school has been out. I have cleaned the carpets, washed all of Emily's clothes, ran around returning some the gifts that received doubles of...and then purchasing the left over items from our registry. I just need to finish my thank-you notes and get them in the mail.

Just when I think my to-do list is getting smaller, I keep finding things to add to it. Will this ever end?

Last Childbirth Class...Empathy Belly

2009-06-20T21:49:00.000-07:00

Our final childbirth class was not as tense as the first. Craig was back from Alaska, so he was able to attend...unfortunately the information that was most beneficial for him was given on the first day. Class started with each couple presenting their homework. We were assigned the topic of natural induction, so we just named a few different options and how they worked. After each couple presented, we were to simulate 2nd stage labor and try a few of the positions that we learned from the previous week. It was difficult, and sometimes frustrating, because Craig wasn't there for any of those positions...so I had to try and direct him and it didn't always work out the way I would have liked..I was grateful for the instructor coming over to help guide him with some of the positions. Overall, Craig did well...considering he wasn't there last week. While working through the positions, the instructor asked for volunteers from the men to wear the "Empathy Belly". Right away, I pointed to Craig and he stood up willingly. Before placing the suit on, the instructor wrapped a small corset type thing around his diaphragm to simulate pressure on the lungs. Inside the belly area is a large sack full of warm water. Underneath the water sack there is a large bean bag to help push on the bladder. The suit, as a whole, weighed about 35 pounds. Craig wore the suit for a couple of hours...and did quite well. During our break, we walked around the hospital and Craig was even comfortable enough to head towards the cafeteria to get a coke. I was so proud of him. The only reason he eventually took it off was because his water broke...actually the bag just sprung a small leak and he was getting pretty wet.

This week the focus was more on the medicated side of delivery...unlike last week, which FREAKED ME OUT!!! We watched a video of a woman using different analgesics and anesthesia, and another video of the administration of an epideral. These women looked much more content throughout the delivery than any of the women in the previous videos from last week. That was a relief!!

Unfortunately, today's class was a bit more dry and felt like an eternity to get through. It was hard to stay awake towards the end...I wanted to take a nap so desperately. At times, Craig rested his eyes for a little too long and did the whole "head bopping". I understood, but at the same time it was a bit disheartening. Well...we got through to the end, and even though I am worried about Craig being my "coach" having only been to one class and having a hard time staying away, at times, during the second class...I KNOW that Craig will pull through and do whatever he needs to do to help me through delivery...that's just the way that Craig is...he rarely disappoints!!

Just under 6 weeks remaining. I am so glad to be out of school so that I can focus my attention on getting the house ready, the nursery ready, and packing my hospital bag. We are so excited to meet Emily!!

First Childbirth Class

2009-06-13T17:30:00.000-07:00

I just came home from my first childbirth class. YIKES!!

At the beginning of my pregnancy, I wasn't sure that I even wanted to go to a childbirth class. I just figured that whatever they had to teach me would be thrown out the window at the time of delivery. Then, one of our couple friends (who is about two weeks ahead of me) suggested that we take childbirth classes together. That actually sounded like fun...at least we would have friends in the class to make fun of the craziness.

Unfortunately, AFTER we signed up and paid for a class...THEN Craig remembers that he has a scheduling conflict, on the first day, that he can't get out of. I was/am pretty upset about that because the classes are a FULL day (9-5) of information that Craig is going to be missing out on...information that, after going through the first class now, if SO important for him to know: how he can help me to stay calm, how he can give massages to help me through different sorts of pains, how he can suggest different positions and be supportive, and last...but not least, what he can expect from me so that he isn't offended and hurt. Sure...I can tell him all of this stuff, but I don't think it would be received the same way as hearing it from the instructor.
Speaking of the instructor...she was GREAT!! I loved her!!
Thankfully, my mother was willing and able to give up her Saturday to fill in for Craig. She did great!!
The class was really good!! I was surprised with how much I enjoyed it and found the information to be helpful. I am so glad that we didn't pass this opportunity up. The instructor walked us through a number of different positions to help us through labor pains. We even had to do the "ice in the hand" trick to simulate pain and figure out how to get through it. I thought this was going to be a joke...NOPE!! We had to do it three times. The first was for 30 seconds...I was practically in tears because, I want to say, it just reminded me that this entire experience was real and I am going to be giving birth in a few weeks, but having to squeeze a handful of ice in my hands for 30 seconds was PAINFUL...it stung!! Then the instructor showed us a stretching position to do next as we held the ice again...this time it was for one minute. To my surprise, it was a lot easier. Finally, she added the music as we stretched and held the ice...for a minute and a half. Again...easier. It really showed me that I don't want to stay in bed during the contractions...until I get the epideral of course.
We also watched a number of videos...all of which FREAKED ME OUT. I'm not even kidding, my neck is still tense after watching those delivery videos. We watched a video of women working through their contractions. We even watched a video of women giving water births. After these videos...I told Emily that she needs to find some other way to come out because the traditional way is not going to cut it for me. NO WAY JOSE!!

Well...day one of two is done. Craig will be able to attend next week's class. Two words for him...EMPATHY BELLY!!! I can't wait!! I'm bringing a camera...and believe me...they will all be posted!!

2nd Baby Shower...SO COOL!!!

2009-06-06T19:57:00.001-07:00

You Apfel ladies are AMAZING!!! That was just the coolest baby shower that I have ever been to. Where do I even begin? OK...the shower started out with a game, one that I have never played before. It was great!! We were each given a long list of candy bar names. Then Jessica would call out something related to having a baby (for example: the hospital bill) and then we would try to figure out which candy bar matched..."100 Grand". After the game, then Rachael gave the devotional. She placed a bag in front of me with random gifts. With each gift that I pulled out, Rachael read words of advice that applied to that gift along with a Bible verse for encouragement. It was so neat!!

Afterwards, they played the DVD of "The Wright Story" that was shown at our church on Mother's Day. There wasn't a dry eye in the room...not even mine. I still cannot watch that video without crying. I was doing to great too. I was so sure that this would be the time that I could get through it without crying...then the part came where I talked about our IVF...it is at this point that the tears begin to well up...and then overflow. That was it, I couldn't hold them back anymore. Thankfully, the girls planned ahead and there was a box of tissues going around the room.

Once the video was over, Rachael opened up in prayer and, those who felt led, prayed a prayer for me and baby Emily. It was no neat...so meaningful. I have never been to a baby shower that was so full of love.

Gift time arrived...there were so many. Emily is so blessed!! I was so lucky to get a "one of a kind" from Lorraine and Sharon. Sharon crocheted the MOST beautiful pink blanket and Lorraine knitted together a matching sweater, bonnet, and booties. ADORABLE!!! Of course, I was showered with clothes...the cutest clothes: beautiful dresses, sets, cardigans...I even received tights with lace on the bottom.

Now...the coolest gift that I have ever received (and I'm not talking about just a baby shower gift...this was the gift of all gifts), was from Jessica. Two years ago, when Craig and I finally decided to move forward with IVF, we had a huge garage sale. Many friends and family donated to the sale. Some of the things that I put up for sale were my old school toys (Barbies, Cabbage Patch Dolls, Straw. Shortcake, etc) Well, Jessica came to the sale and purchased all of my Barbies, including her corvette. She told me that they were for her Mother-In-Law who just adopted some girls. However, I found out today that she was not being honest with me :) It turns out that she purchased those Barbies in hopes that one day I would have a baby girl to give them to. When I opened up her gift, I KNEW...as soon as I saw the corvette, what she had done!! I couldn't believe it...I was in shock!! My mom then shared with everyone the story behind the gift, and once again...the tissue box made its way around the room.
I know eventually you will be reading...you Apfel ladies have always been so thoughtful!! Your baby shower will be one that Emily hears about for years...I can't wait to play Barbies with her now!! Don't worry though Rachael...you can choose which Barbie you want to play with before Emily chooses. It is only fair!! I love you guys!!!

DEAR LORD...SHE HAS TO COME OUT!!

2009-06-06T17:23:00.000-07:00

It hit me last week...Emily has to come out. Yes...yes...I knew that already, but for some reason it was never that big of a deal. I guess I just focused on all of the other stuff: watching my belly grow, feeling her kick and move inside of me, eventually holding my baby girl...I didn't leave any time to think or worry about the delivery part. Well, needless to say...I'm thinking about it now.
I would just love it if there was a way that they could knock me out completely and then wake me up once Emily is out and wrapped in a blanket...and would it be too much to ask if my hair and make-up could stay perfect?!? You know...for the pictures!!

On top of freaking out, I have also entered into the "nesting" phase of pregnancy. YIKES!! I sat down on my computer and created a crazy long TO-DO list. Craig is not understanding this phase at all. To him, our house is fine, her nursery is ready...what more do we need to do? I have a HUGE list that says otherwise!! OK...I understand that my list doesn't HAVE to get done...it has no effect on Emily...it is just full of things that I don't want to have to "feel" like I will never be able to get it done after Emily has arrived. I have already started going through each of the rooms in the house and creating a "Goodwill" pile...more like a mountain. I have a huge list of things I want to get done in the yard, and for some reason, I really want to clean and organize the basement. Nope...Emily will probably never even see the basement for the first few years...but I want to get it done, it is out of control down there.
I tell you, girl friends are just the coolest thing ever. I started mentioning this crazy list to one of my friends, and right away she volunteered to come and help me with the worst thing on my list...the basement!! She then suggested that I round up a few more friends...and so I did...and they AGREED!!! I can't believe it!! I have three girlfriends coming over to help me clean out my basement!! These kinds of friends are few and far between...they are THE BEST!!! THANK YOU!!! I can't wait to start crossing stuff off my list.

My 1st Baby Shower

2009-06-06T17:09:00.001-07:00

My friends at work gave me my first baby shower. It was a lot of fun!! The day before this shower, when my alarm went off, I immediately thought to myself, "IS IT THURSDAY YET?" Nope...so I hit the snooze button. The alarm goes off again and I thought to myself, "IS IT THURSDAY NOW?" Nope...so I hit the snooze button again. I don't remember exactly how many times I went through this routine, but I did finally get out of bed to get ready for work.

Finally, Thursday arrived.

Once school was out, I headed out to my friends house. The spread was perfect...yummy food, refreshing punch, and the perfect cake. Once everyone arrived, we played the games and then opened the gifts. Emily is going to be the best dressed little girl out there. It has become very apparent that everyone LOVES to buy little girl clothes. Who can blame them...they are too adorable!!

Is This Really Real?!?

2009-06-06T16:51:00.000-07:00

I have to admit...I still have this feeling that "being pregnant" is not real. Yes...my belly is huge, it looks like a bowl of jelly when she moves around, and some of her kicks inflict a little bit of pain, but for some reason...I don't think it will be really "real" until Emily is in my arms.
For example, the morning of my first baby shower...I started to freak out a little bit because when I finally got out of bed, Emily wasn't doing anything...I couldn't feel her (Normally she gives me a few good kicks as she adjusts from me getting out of bed). I was so fearful that something had happened, maybe I slept on my back for too long...I don't know!! I just remember thinking that it was all too good to be true. Now that the day had finally arrived to celebrate, my first baby shower, I feared that I had lost her.
Needless to say...she started moving and my fears had subsided...but not completely. Unfortunately, it is and has always been in the back of my head that this entire experience is too good to be true...a tease almost. I have two more months to go...and I am so hoping that she comes early. I just want to meet her and hold her in my arms.

The Nursery is Finally Painted!!

2009-05-24T08:24:00.001-07:00

THANK YOU NOLANS!!! I am so excited to have the nursery painted finally. The stripes on the wall are actually the same exact color, except one stripe is a semi-gloss, the other is a flat. We only placed the stripes on one wall...the wall that the crib is going to be on. The rest of the room is solid. There is still a lot to do...but the hardest part is over. What's next? We purchased a closet organizer at Lowes. I am hoping the Craig is in the mood to install that this weekend so that I can start hanging up clothes. We also need to convert the chandelier to electrical and then hang it up. Once those things are done...the only things left are the finishing touches, which we haven't quite decided on yet. I have a few ideas...but you will just have to wait until the I post the finished pictures and be surprised.

Emily's Chandelier

2009-05-16T14:03:00.001-07:00

Here is my Mother's Day gift from Craig. I have always talked about how neat it would be to have a girly chandelier in Emily's nursery. The colors we have for the nursery are sage green and chocolate brown...very gender neutral because we started the nursery when we were moving forward with adoption. Now that we know we are having a girl...I wanted to somehow bring in items to make it more girly. We agreed that we would throw in hints of lavender through bed sheets, a quilt that Grandma "Queen" is making, and other accessories...but I just loved the idea of having a chandelier in the room. I found this one in Target...and Craig went out of his way to get it for Emily. I LOVE IT!!
It is made to be plugged into an outlet, so Craig will be converting it for electrical lighting, and then we are probably going to spray paint it all white...it has a hint of pink in each of the flowers.
The nursery is going to start coming together next weekend. I AM SO EXCITED!! We have a couple of friends coming over next weekend to give their painting expertise...it is going to be PERFECT!!! So after next weekend, I will probably be spending too much time playing around in the nursery as I go through Emily's clothes and hang them up in a beautifully organized closet!! I CAN'T WAIT!!

28 Week Appointment

2009-05-16T12:31:00.000-07:00

I have officially had my last "monthly" appointment and have now graduated to the "every other week" appointments.
My 7 month appointment went well. This was the appointment where I had to drink a can of pure sugar...sit around for an hour and then return to get my blood drawn. By now...I am a pro at getting my blood drawn (considering all of the previous infertility treatments I have gone through)...I just wish I could say the same about the people actually drawing my blood. EVERY SINGLE TIME...I remind the techs that my veins are small and difficult to get. I remind them to use a "butterfly" needle (whatever that is...it just always seemed to work well when I was at the fertility clinic). So the tech proceeds to tie up my arm, and as she prepares her needles I am squeezing and pumping my fist to hopefully build up my vein. She kept telling me to "just relax...you don't need to do that". She then begins to examine my arm...flick at the veins, etc...trying to find the perfect one. Then...she goes in with a powerful *STAB*!!! With that much force you would think she made it in...NOPE...nothing. However, she does continue to dig around inside my arm to try and find the vein. NO LUCK!! To my own surprise, I was actually holding it together...no tears. (Just a side note...those of you who don't know...needles have always been a HUGE phobia of mine...which made those infertility treatments that much more fun) She finally pulled the needle out and decided to go for this itty bitty vein on the side of my arm...*STAB*. SON OF A BISCUIT!!!!! That one HURT!!!! Fortunately, she got what she needed, and the torture was over!! I should get my results back on Monday, but believe me...I will be indulging in sugary goodness this weekend...you know...just in case my results come back and say I can't have it anymore.

As for the part of the appointment with the doctor...I just LOVE my doctor. It was another quick visit. We got to listen to Emily's heartbeat...nice and strong, and then she measured my stomach. I measured at 30 centimeters. I guess your measurements are supposed to line up with how far along you are with your pregnancy, so I should be at 29 centimeters. OH NUTS!!! The doctor said, that it isn't a big deal. Emily could be stretching, or she could be a long baby (like her father). She said if the measurements are a 3-4 centimeter difference, then they do an ultrasound to determine if they need to change the due date. Other than that...that was pretty much it for the appointment. We talked about a few questions that I had...and then I went to schedule my next appointment...in two weeks. :)

I can't believe Emily will be here soon. I can't wait to hold her, and love her, and kiss her, and rock her, and on and on and on!! I just want to meet her so badly!!

The Ball Keeps Rolling...

2009-05-07T21:20:00.001-07:00

I met with the Pastor T. who is heading up our new abortion recovery ministry. We met to go over some new details and to plan out some new ideas for "ZOE" (that's what we named the ministry...it means "life")

During the meeting, she shared with me an update related to the letter that I had originally wrote to Pastor Dean last summer regarding our IVF procedure. For those of you who don't know about that letter, check out the post titled: Listen to Parts of our Pastor's Message: When Does Life Begin. At my first meeting with Pastor T. she shared with me some of the results that came about as a result of Pastor Dean's message (mentioned in the post titled: Hindsight is 20/20). It was so great to hear...and it just amazes me as I CONTINUE to see God's hand work in this story.

So...like I started out with, I met again with Pastor T. to talk about our new ministry. During the meeting, she shared with me how "Care Net" was so excited to be partnering up with our church. Care Net shared with her how many churches donate to their cause but are not ready or are unsure of how to bring up the issue of abortion in their church...so they just stay silent to the subject. Well...when Care Net found out about our letter on infertility and how Pastor addressed the topic as a message, along with the response from the congregation, they had asked him to create a format that would be able to train and encourage other Pastors in helping them to be able to address such a tough topic in their own churches.

THAT'S HUGE!!! I just love hearing how our testimony continues to spread...it is just amazing to see God's hands continue to work. I know that He isn't done with this yet and I am so excited to see what He has in store for us around the corner.

Mother's Day Testimony

2009-04-24T21:37:00.000-07:00

I received a call yesterday from the media guy at our church. He said that he had heard that I had quite the testimony on becoming a mother and wanted to know if I would be willing to have them record my story on video so that they could share it at each of the four services on MOTHER'S DAY!!! How cool is that?!?? I hope I get a copy to keep for myself!! If I do...I'll try to post it on my blog so you all can see, or...those of you in the area just might have to attend Life Center, in Tacoma, on Mother's Day to see it for yourself.
I am so excited...SO NERVOUS!! I have never done anything like this before, and when I am nervous...I turn beat red!!! I hate it!! I don't even know where to begin with my story, what points to include and what to leave out. I'm sure they don't have an hours worth of video time...I'm really going to have think about this. I am such a nerd, I just know that I am going to have to make a bulleted list of points that I want to make sure to hit. Don't worry, I won't put it on 3X5 cards to use as they are recording, that would be stupid. I will probably make myself cue cards...I'M KIDDING!! Once I figure out what I want to say and what is better left unsaid, I will be fine.
Craig will be in the video too. His job is to sit pretty on my side, with his arm around me...and to hand me tissue should I need it.
I am so excited about our story being shared on Mother's Day. I never thought, in a million years, that I would be excited for Mother's Day. This is just the coolest way to start off all of my Mother's Day celebrations.
I would love to see you there!! Mark your calendars.

8th Grade Story...

2009-04-17T16:27:00.000-07:00

So, I'm 25 weeks pregnant now. In my eyes, I think I definitely "look" pregnant. I mean...if you stare at my belly long enough, you can actually see Emily kicking around in there. Well, one of my colleagues came into my classroom today to tell me this hilarious story. It turns out that one of my students was talking with her and shared with her how he thought I was really starting to get fat...YES...he said "fat". I just about fell out of my seat laughing. I mean, it's not like I have been trying to hide this from my students at all. I am pretty open with them about the pregnancy if they ask. Some students are curious about her size and development, so I am happy to share with them. We have had short discussions of what they think her name should be. I am always telling them that they need to watch what they say around me because Emily can hear them.
I just think it is crazy that after months of talking about my pregnancy...he was clueless. I don't even have to be "teaching" in my class, apparently this kid just automatically zones out. I must sound like the Charlie Brown teacher to him when I talk. :)

24 Week Appointment

2009-04-16T21:50:00.000-07:00

Well...I had my 24 week appointment this past Tuesday. It was the first time that I actually met the doctor. She was AMAZING!!! I loved her...loved her to pieces!!! This was the first appointment where she measured my belly. Afterwards, she used the doppler to listen to Emily's heartbeat. As we were listening, Emily gave a number of strong kicks. The doctor starting laughing. She said, "Whoa, you have a mover and shaker here. This one is going to be a handful" I really need to start looking into dancing classes...I think tap would be AWESOME!!! Just kidding...kind of.
Anyways, I have one more "monthly" visit to the doctor before my appointments move up to every other week. At me next appointment I will have the blood sugar test. I wonder what the sugary liquid tastes like? Hmmm....?
This past week I told Craig that I am actually starting to "feel" pregnant. I'm getting a bit uncomfortable now. My lower back is getting stiff, my feet need a good rubbing (I don't know if that is really the pregnancy...or just me liking a good foot rub)I am finding it more difficult to get a good night's sleep, etc. Don't get me wrong...I really do love being pregnant. The last couple of days, when Emily is kicking...you can actually "see" it when you look at my big belly. Craig was laughing when I pointed it out to him.
I just cannot wait to meet this little girl!! I want to hold her and love her and kiss her all over!!

What should Emily's middle name be?

2009-04-05T18:44:00.000-07:00

I started a poll at the top of my blog. Craig and I are so confused about what Emily's middle name should be. Our first choice was Elizabeth...we LOVE that for the middle name. It flows so nicely with Emily, and we just love the meaning behind it...considering all we have been through in trying to get pregnant. Unfortunately, as we shared with friends and family, we quickly found out that "Emily Elizabeth" is the name of the character with "the big red dog: Clifford". I don't want Emily to be made fun of during her childhood years because she has the same name as the "girl with the big red dog". To add insult to injury...we actually have a big red dog. His name isn't Clifford, it is actually Luke. I just don't want Emily growing up hating her name. Maybe she won't. On the other hand, how many kids go around saying their full name? (Maybe a lot more than I think) In addition to that...her initials would be EEW, as in "yuck". Am I looking too much into this, or is this good to catch now rather than after Emily is here? It just stinks because I TRULY love the name Emily Elizabeth, but not at the risk of her being made fun of.
So, my next option was Nicole. I think is goes well with Emily (not as well as Elizabeth, but it goes well). The meaning of the Nicole is not all that special. The only reason I thought of it is because it is my own middle name, but what if that is a bad thing? What if she doesn't want to have the same middle name as her mother? This is hard!!

Hmmm....what do you all think? If you have another suggestion, feel free to click on the comments link below this post and share it. Thanks for the input!!!

New York: FRIDAY

2009-04-04T22:42:00.000-07:00

Craig and I slept in pretty late…it was much needed. I think the stress of Tuesday and trying to squeeze everything in really caught up with us. We knew that our check out time was at noon, so we were in no hurry. When we finally did get up, we packed our bags and checked them in so we could cross two more things off our list before heading home. Craig wanted me to see the entrance to the Natural History Museum and I wanted to walk through the St. Patrick’s Cathedral…which by the way was STUNNING!!! The detail in the building was insane beautiful. The statues…amazing!!! One thing that I found interesting was that there were only a few statues of Jesus, each one of them was of Him broken…from the death of the cross. There were more statues of Mary than of Jesus. Regardless…it was simply breath taking.
Back to the hotel…it was FINALLY time to head off to the airport to come home…HOME SWEET HOME!!! Don’t get me wrong…New York definitely has its amazing qualities, however with the whole hospital incident, it made it really hard for me to enjoy the rest of the trip. I was so stressed out and worried that I was going to over do it again that I couldn’t truly enjoy New York. It was hard being away from home, away from my doctors, away from family, when the incident happened. So, it goes without saying that I couldn’t wait to come home!!!

New York: THURSDAY

2009-04-04T22:38:00.001-07:00

Finally, we were going to get to see the Statue of Liberty. It was breath taking!!! Honestly though, for some reason, I thought it was going to be bigger…but that didn’t take away from its awesomeness. Afterwards we visited the Financial District where we saw Ground Zero. There were a few memorials set up around the area, but most of the view for Ground Zero was blocked as they were doing construction work.
Due to the loss of one day of sight-seeing, we felt that we had to squeeze in a lot in one day…so it off to the subway to head to Rockefeller Center and then straight to the Empire State Building, while still having enough time to go to our Broadway show at 8…which by the way was the BEST!!! Even though the show was sold out, they managed to bring in two chairs for Craig and I and, believe it or not, the seats were great!!! Craig and I loved the show, WICKED, and so did Emily. No joke…during every single song, Emily danced through each one, from beginning to end. As soon as the song was over, so was her dancing. After THE BEST SHOW EVER, we walked back to the hotel, stopping at a diner across the street to share a dessert.

New York: WEDNESDAY

2009-04-04T22:32:00.000-07:00

Considering the day before, I agreed to spend half of the day in bed as Craig ventured out to do more sight-seeing in NY. He chose destinations that I didn’t mind missing at all…the Jerry Seinfeld diner, and the Natural History Museum. SNOOZE!!! Craig came to get me by dinner time…we stopped by a pizza place (I know…but the pizza is just so good!!), and we finished the evening by shopping around Madison Square. Once the stores all closed, we began walking back to the hotel, stopping at, what ended up being, another great Irish Pub: McGee’s Pub.

New York: TUESDAY

2009-04-04T22:29:00.000-07:00

POSSIBLE TMI ALERT:
Craig and I woke up early this morning in hopes of beating the crowds for a viewing of the Statue of Liberty. We got all dressed up and ready to head out, We stopped by our Hotel’s café and had two bowls of oatmeal for breakfast. Before heading out on our venture, I decided to use the Hotel restroom. Upon using the restroom, I noticed a little bit of blood on my underwear. I freaked out!!! WHAT THE HECK?!?! I rushed out to find Craig waiting for me in the lobby. I gestured to him that we needed to go to our room immediately. When we got in the elevator, I told him that I was spotting and I didn’t know what to do. We went to our room, I used the restroom again, and the blood was definitely red (new blood) so I knew something had to be wrong.
Craig is always so good in these situations…always strong and extremely sensible. Me, on the other hand, I just freak out as though it is the end of the world. I just started crying on the bed because I couldn’t think of what to do. Yes…I know…you go to the hospital!!! But we were all the way in New York, away from my own OB/GYN and away from all of the hospital staff that I knew from having worked at St. Joes for a number of years. Our fear was that we would get some ER doc who knew extremely little about pregnant cases and that they wouldn’t know how to properly take care of me. With Craig’s quick thinking, I ended up calling my OB/GYN and using their “on call” system. Unfortunately they refused to page my dr. saying that the only thing I could do, considering my circumstances, was to go to the ER. Craig then decided to call my insurance to see if there was any OB/GYN near our hotel that would accept our insurance. They gave us a list of numbers, however, none of them wanted to accept new patients. THANKS A LOT!! So we were left with only one option now, to go to the ER.
We quickly headed back to the lobby and requested the bellman to fetch us a taxi car. We told him to take us to the Lennox Hospital (Craig found the name of the best hospital in area using his iPhone). The taxi driver dropped us off at the ER entrance. As Craig paid the driver, I ran inside to get the paper work started. To our surprise, as soon as they heard that I was 22 weeks pregnant with bleeding; they immediately fetched a wheel chair and took me straight up to labor and delivery. You would think that this would be a good thing, and it really was…but at the same time, IT TOTALLY FREAKED ME OUT!!!! I just lost it as she rushed me through the doors. It was as though the doctors were waiting for me. As soon as we entered L&D, a doctor came right up to me, asking me a bunch of questions. They sent Craig back downstairs to get me registered as a patient while another nurse helped me into a room and gave me the beautiful hospital gown to put on. When I was all dressed and ready, she quickly hooked me up to a machine so as to hear Emily’s heartbeat…and there it was, loud and clear. As we waited for the doctor, another nurse came in and asked me a bunch of the typical questions: Did you fall? Did you have any cramping/pain? Etc.
When the doctor finally arrived, she first did an ultrasound to see Emily and the placenta. Everything looked great. Emily was moving around as though nothing was wrong. That was relieving to see. The doctor then said that she would do a “speculum” exam to see if she could find the cause of the bleeding. Before going forward with the exam, she said that in most cases they can’t find a cause…however, as soon as she started the examination…BINGO. She had found the cause of the bleeding, and apparently it was still bleeding. Without going into too much detail, there was an issue with my cervix. Fortunately, it was not at the opening of the cervix…it was on the side. Because of this, the doctor was not concerned at all. She used some “silver nitrate” to cauterize the bleeding and basically sent me on my way. She said that I didn’t need any bed rest and that I could continue on with our vacation. So…off we went, with every intention to take it slow and easy.
We decided to take advantage of the subway system from here on out, and do as little walking as we could. We headed down towards “China Town”, “Little Italy”, and “Soho”. While there, we ate at the best restaurant in NY, Shopsins. Craig had actually watched a documentary about the restaurant/hole in the wall. The food was SO GOOD!!! Later, we went back to the hotel with enough time to get ready for our Broadway show and dinner. Then…I went to the restroom as it was as though I was in the middle of a heavy period. I yelled out to Craig, “We have to go back to the hospital! I’m bleeding again, and it’s a lot worse now!!!” I couldn’t help but freak out again. This was so much worse than earlier in the day. We rushed back down to the lobby. I’m sobbing while Craig is trying so hard to be strong. The bellman hailed a cab and we told him to take us to the Lennox Hospital. I couldn’t stop crying the whole drive to the hospital. When the cab driver finally came to a stop, it didn’t look like the same hospital. Craig asked him, “Is this the Lennox Hospital?” “Yes, yes it is”, he said. So Craig paid the driver, while jumped out and ran inside. IT WAS NOT THE SAME HOSPITAL. Do we stay? Do we go? My bleeding is worse; did we really have a choice? I went to check in. The man only asked for my name. He then directed me to sit down and wait for them to call my name. I told him that I was 22 weeks pregnant with heavy bleeding; he again told me to sit down and wait to be called. That was all I needed, I told Craig that we had to find the right hospital, besides…all of my patient information was already in the system at the other hospital, and the nurses and doctors already knew my situation. We quickly hopped into another cab, and told him to get us to the Lennox Hospital. Now this guy was no joke…he knew we meant business and he wasted no time at all. I immediately reached for my seat belt and let the man do his thing. I couldn’t even watch him driving, IT WAS INSANE…but he got us to the right hospital lickity slit. We ran inside, and just like old times, up I went to the labor and delivery floor in a wheel chair. Thank you Lord…all of the same staff from earlier was still there. They were so nice, so helpful, and so quick to tend to me. Granted I couldn’t get a room right away, but they did everything in their power to move people on their way to make room for me.
Once I was settled back into my old bed with a fresh new hospital gown, the same doctor came in and got straight to business…with another “speculum” exam. I’m not even kidding, as quickly as the exam started she was out of her seat and rushed to the door to call out for another doctor. Talk about FREAKING OUT!!!! What’s with the rush? And as though that was the worst of it, she left the curtain open, along with the door as she called out for the other doctor. GIVE ME SOME SORT OF DIGNITY HERE!!! There I was, in all my glory, for the world to see. I begged Craig to cover me up. The second doctor came in, and together they assessed the problem and attempted to get it under control…which they did, though not as quickly and as painless as before. Whatever they did down there ended up causing so much cramping for me, it was horrible. Again, however, the doctors were still not concerned about the bleeding, more specifically it was the area of bleeding that supposedly caused no threat. Once they were sure that the bleeding was stopped, they let me rest for awhile before getting dressed and going about my way. Once more, they said that I didn’t need bed rest, that I would be fine.
It was too late to go to our Broadway show, so we agreed to go to our hotel. As I rested, Craig headed out to try and get the Gershwin Theater to allow us to use our show tickets on another day (which they did) and to get dinner to bring back to our room. Regardless of the doctors saying that I was going to be fine, with all of the stress of the day, Craig and I both agreed that it would be in our best interest if I spent, at the very least, half of the day tomorrow in bed.

New York: MONDAY

2009-04-04T22:19:00.000-07:00

Who needs an alarm clock in NY when you have hundreds of taxi cars *honking* at each other early in the morning? I have no idea what time we actually woke up, but when we did we were ready to hit the streets of NY. Day one, we really didn't have a schedule for the day. We just decided to hit the pavement and what we would run into. First things first, we found a Starbucks for a quick "on-the-go" breakfast, and what do you know...Central Park was just across the street. Hand in hand, we walked over to Central Park and took in all of the scenery. I had no idea how large the park actually was. I don’t even know if we made it half way into the park…though we walked around for a couple of hours. While in the park, we ran into an outdoor auditorium where a high school band was playing, we found the “Friends” fountain (the one in their opening credits), we also found a castle, a couple of restaurants, some playgrounds, etc. This park has just about everything. Unfortunately we couldn’t the find the ice skating rink, but my legs were already starting to get tired and we had much of the day in front of us. We found an edge to the park and decided to walk around the neighborhood…it was then that this extreme feeling of having to go “pee” suddenly hit me. CRAP…we were nowhere near a clean restroom. So…it was time to step up the walking. Craig and I picked up the pace…I have no idea how far, or how long, we had to walk before we were able to find a “clean” public restroom. It just so happened to be the very Starbucks that we started our day with.
From Starbucks, we found our favorite pizza place: Amadeus Pizza…so good!!! We continued walking around and found ourselves in the middle of Times Square. WOW!!! It was just amazing, dramatic!! While in Times Square, we walked in and out of each of the different stores. We were stopped by a man selling tickets to a comedy show later that day…so we thought, “Why not? Let’s do it!” We finished up at Times Square and MY FEET WERE KILLING ME!!!
With the time change, our day was quickly slipping away. We still needed to find somewhere to have dinner before we headed out for the Comedy show. As we headed back towards our hotel we came across an Irish Pub…perfect!! We found a small table near the window and ordered our dinner, and then it was off to the Comedy show. Because our feet were killing us and our legs were getting sore, we attempted to use the New York subway system. It was exactly how I imagined it to be…dirty, stinky, dark, yet extremely convenient. The comedy show was OK, a bit crass, but there were a couple comedians that we were pretty great…others a bit awkward, making you question whether you should laugh or not.
After the comedy show, we went straight to the hotel to try and catch up on some more sleep. Our plan for tomorrow was to wake up EARLY (6:30AM…which is 3:30AM Seattle time) so that we could be in front of the crowd to view the Statue of Liberty. Little did we know, Emily had other plans for us.

New York: SUNDAY

2009-04-04T22:18:00.000-07:00

Not much to tell about this day. Our plane was supposed to leave at 3PM, but kept on getting delayed. We finally boarded the plane at 6PM, which gives us an arrival time of 2:30AM (considering the time change in New York). We arrived at our hotel a little after 3 in the morning and went straight to bed!!

22 Weeks

2009-03-24T19:45:00.000-07:00

I am just about 22 weeks along now and I have to say, Emily has taken after her mother. By that, I mean that she is ALL gymnast!! I swear, yesterday she was practicing her can-cans...all day long...in the exact same spot. My emotions were getting the best of me yesterday and I began to get a little worried for her. For some CRAZY reason, I wanted to cry because I thought she was stuck in some odd position and couldn't get loose. Yes, I know that is crazy, but you have to understand, my emotions have been all over the place recently...poor Craig.
Well, I was relieved today when Emily FINALLY adjusted herself and I have been feeling her all over my belly. Seriously though, it feels like I have only felt her kicking in one spot for the last few weeks.

Emily Elizabeth Wright

2009-03-24T19:33:00.000-07:00

Yes...Craig and I finally decided on a name for our little girl. We tried so hard to stay away from the top 100 list, but ended up choosing #1 on the list. I know...I know...Emily is supposedly "so popular", but, as a teacher, I have yet to have any students go through my classes with the name "Emily". Since we have been married (ten years ago), we have NEVER been able to find a name that we agree on. A few days ago, Craig thought of the name "Emily" and we both loved it!! After finding out that it was #1 on the list, we didn't really care.
Emily means: Industrious, Ambitious
We chose to have Elizabeth as the middle name for a couple of reasons. First, it was really important to me to have a name with a strong meaning. The meaning behind "Elizabeth" is: God has promised. I thought that was perfect, considering our history. Second, it was one of the few names that we thought flowed well with Emily.

Now, I shared our name choice with a couple of colleagues and they informed me that "Emily Elizabeth" is the name of the girl in the story book, "Clifford, the Big Red Dog". How ironic because Craig and I have a "big red dog". I don't know...I don't think it will be a problem at all. Its not like Emily is going to go around saying her first and middle name to everyone.

It is fun calling her by a name now. We no longer call our baby "it", or even "she"...we get to call her "Emily". I just love her name!!!!

We Are Having A Girl!!!

2009-03-10T21:13:00.000-07:00

Check back tomorrow evening...I will post my daughter's pictures.

Hind Sight is 20/20

2009-03-08T21:11:00.000-07:00

So...it is truly amazing to see what has come about from my four years of torture by way of infertility. Recently, Craig and I attended an evening service at church. At some point, Pastor Dean mentioned a new ministry that he wanted to get started and I knew right away that I wanted to be a part of it. The ministry reaches out to women through abortion clinics. I don't know the exact details of the ministry yet (it is all still in the work), but he talked briefly on how he wanted the women to know that no matter what choice they make that God still loves them with all His heart. It won't be a bunch of us standing outside a clinic with picket signs, but rather going inside and meeting the women, handing them gifts with information, etc. Possibly checking up on the women to see how they are doing and meeting up with them for coffee to just talk. I love it!!!
So...I talked to the Pastor who was put in charge of this ministry and she wanted to meet me for coffee to get to know me and see where I would best fit in with this new ministry. When we met, the first thing she asked of me was to share my testimony with her. She knew a little bit about our challenge and success through church meetings, but she didn't know any of the details. As I began to share with her, from beginning to end, the ups and downs...mostly downs, the heartaches, the struggles, etc. I ended up completely surprising myself when I just broke down...in the middle of the coffee shop. I was surprised because I was no longer in the depths of my depression, yet simply talking about it all brought so much back to the top. When I started to talk about our IVF procedure and seeing our five embryos on the TV screen...and then getting the call two weeks later that none of them took...I could barely get the words out to her. In a way, it felt so good to talk about it. I think I have only shared the whole story with one other person (others would hear the story as it was happening), and even then I couldn't get through it without crying.
When I finished my testimony, Pastor Tiffany said that I gave her goose bumps. She asked me if anyone has ever told me what came from the message that Pastor gave based off of my letter (I wrote a post about that message somewhere down below). I told her I had no idea. She shared with that there was such a huge response from women that day. So many woman came forward to receive forgiveness for past abortions because they have never been able to forgive themselves. She also said that there were a number of woman who were pregnant and considering abortion, but have made the choice to give their baby life.
I couldn't believe it!!! I remember the day Pastor Dean gave that message. I remember Craig and I walking away that day, in tears, saying that if our story helped to save the life of just one child...it would make the past four years worth it. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat!!!

I KNOW that infertility sucks!!! I KNOW the doubts and frustrations that it can cause. I KNOW the lies that Satan uses to feed you when you are in the midst of that torture. And I KNOW NOW that God can take the worst part of your life and use it for His glory. I can easily say that the worst part of my life was when I found out that I had lost my five babies...but you know...I look back now and I am so blessed that God could use my babies to save the lives of others. My babies had a clear purpose from God. Without them, I would have never written my letter to my Pastor. Without that letter, my Pastor would have never given his message on life...using that to speak directly to woman who have had abortions or were considering abortion. Without that message, those woman would have continued living a life of condemnation and listening to the lies that Satan kept feeding them. Without that message, those woman considering abortion may have gone forward with it. I am confident that I will see my babies in Heaven someday and until then, I will pass on their story to their new little brothers/sisters.
Don't ever give up!!!

RED ENVELOPE DAY!!!

2009-03-08T21:00:00.000-07:00

I have never heard about this day, but I'm glad I ran across it!! Apparently March 31st is "Red Envelope Day". On this day, we are asked to send empty red enveloped to the White House with the following written on the back:

"This represents one child who died because of an abortion. It is empty because the life that was taken is now unable to be a part of our world. Responsibility begins with conception."

I hope that the word quickly spreads about this day so that the impact will be grand.

Here is a link to the website:
http://www.redenvelopeday.com/

I Felt the Baby Move Today!!!!

2009-03-01T21:31:00.000-08:00

March 1st, 2009...mark this day as the day I finally understand the whole "butterfly" effect in your belly. So many people have told me that when you feel the baby move it is like you have butterfly's in your stomach. I couldn't really imagine that feeling...until today. Ever since my 16th week, I thought that I was feeling the baby, and maybe I was...it just felt like someone was inside my belly pinching me. However, today was a completely different experience. Craig and I got in the car to go to church, and all of a sudden I felt this crazy tickle in my belly...one after the other. It was as though the baby was doing a summer-sault. It was absolutely AMAZING!!! As the day went on, I felt a few more "tickles". I loved it!! I cannot wait until I can feel the baby on the outside of the belly so that Craig enjoy the fun too.

4 Month Apt.

2009-02-18T19:58:00.000-08:00

To my surprise, this appointment was extremely short!!! I got called back from the waiting room...stopped to do my weigh in and blood pressure and then directed to my room. A new midwife came in shortly after, her name was Kay. She immediately adjusted my seat so that I was laying on my back and we could use the doppler to hear the baby's heartbeat. Unlike last month's appointment, you could instantly hear the baby's heartbeat...loud and clear. The midwife said the heartbeat was in the 150's. Once she finished, she started to write in my chart and was pretty much closing up shop. She handed me a piece of paper that said to make an appointment in another four weeks and she was ready to go. I was a little confused because I had a few questions to ask, however I felt like I would be keeping her from her busy schedule...regardless, I stayed sitting in my chair and told her that I have a few questions to go over. She sat down, but after my second question she started to stand back up and slowly made her way to the door. Rude?...I think so!!! Whatever...I will just be calling the front desk to make sure that I am not scheduled with her in the future...problem solved.

Three more weeks and we will now the sex of our baby!! I can't wait. A lot of people have asked me if I have a "feeling" one way or another and I can honestly say that I don't. I have had one gender specific dream early in the pregnancy...I had a dream that I delivered the baby and the doctor said, "Congratulations, it's a girl." Is that wishful thinking? Who knows. I will obviously be thrilled no matter what we have...I just want to know!!! I CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT!!! Craig will probably have to take my credit card away because I know as soon as I find out...I will go baby clothes CRAZY!!!!! Just make sure that you don't get in my way :)

Happy Valentines Day!!

2009-02-14T11:07:00.000-08:00

Craig sent me on a scavenger hunt this morning for Valentine's Day. The first clue took me to the Starbucks on Proctor. I was supposed to ask the barista for my next clue...and she had a card with my name on it. Next clue brought me to See's Chocolates at the mall where there was a prepaid box of chocolates behind the counter along with my next clue. This clue was a little tougher, but I figured it out. We had to go to the church where we were married at. I found the clue under a statue which led me to Craig's parents house. (Two more clues to go) This clue brought us to a look-out point that Craig and I used to always walk to...a Seminary overlooking the Puget Sound. The last clue was the hardest, Craig actually had to help me out with that one. I finally figured it out...and back home we went...to the nursery. Inside the baby's crib was my last card, and sitting on top of it was a ring box. I read the card, which brought me to tears (though I blame that on my crazy "pregnancy" emotions) and inside the box was an early anniversary gift...an anniversary band to go with my wedding ring. On March 6th, we will have been married for 10 years!!! YEAH!!!
Two thumbs up Craig!!!

Presentation Sunday

2009-01-25T14:28:00.000-08:00

Last year, my parent's Pastor told them about a church in Bothell that devotes the last Sunday of every January as: Presentation Sunday, in commemoration of the Presentation of Jesus in the Temple by Mary and Joseph 40 days after His birth. On this day Cedar Park Church (in Bothell), along with a growing number of other churches in the area and around the world, will be praying for couples who are desiring to have children but have encountered difficulty in doing so. Hundreds of babies are known to have been born in response to previous Presentation Sunday Prayer Services. Some babies arrive miraculously, some with the aid of fertility treatment, and some by adoption, but all are in response to prayer.

My husband and I attended last year for the first time. It was truly a blessing. The church has been doing this service for over 20 years now. After praise and worship, the Pastor shares his own testimony of how he and his wife have had 11 miscarriages throughout their marriage, which is why he has such a heart for couples struggling with infertility.

Last year, after the Pastor's message, he opened up the floor for couple's to share their testimonies. It was amazing!! Some couples shared how they have struggled for YEARS at trying to conceive. Some couples received their blessing through a miracle of pregnancy, others through adoption, and to my amazement...there were a couple stories of "snowflake" babies!!! There were a couple of women who adopted frozen embryos and were able to experience pregnancy. After being renewed with encouragement from hearing story after story of how...everything eventually worked out, couples who were currently struggling with infertility were asked to come forward and receive prayer. Craig and I, along with a TON of other couples came forward and knelt down as others walked around and prayed over us. One truly amazing thing about our experience was that it wasn't just adults that prayed over us...but also "Presentation Children" (Children who came to be after their parents attended a Presentation Service and received prayer). These children, ranging in ages from 12ish-3ish...walked around each of the couples, laying their hands on them and praying for them. It was BEAUTIFUL!!!!

So, needless to say, Craig and I had the pleasure of attending this year and being able to share our own testimony in hopes of providing encouragement for other couples. As those couples went forward for prayer, I was just filled with so such emotion. I just remember how, not so long ago, I felt so lost. I remember saying that I felt as though I had "faith without hope". I don't know why we went through what we had gone through, but I do know that I am a better person because of it...though if you had asked me in the middle of our challenge I would have thought that that was load of bologna. Nonetheless...I went through it...key word: "through".

13 Weeks Today

2009-01-22T20:48:00.000-08:00

I had my "12 week" physical today with my regular OB. I was all excited for the appointment, unfortunately it was a bit of a let down. Keep in mind, I have been at the fertility clinic for three years now...going in for check ups, ultrasounds, etc., at least every week, if not more. Now that I am past my 12 weeks, I've been kicked out and sent to the regular OB. Now...I only have appointments once a month (I get that), but I was at least hoping that I could have an ultrasound. I guess I still need that verification of my pregnancy. I see my belly starting to pooch...but I just so badly want to feel the baby inside of me. Because I can't feel the baby, I am terrified to admit to the world that I am pregnant. I desperately wanted to see my baby on the screen today, but as you can guess....that didn't happen.

Instead, however, I did hear the baby's heart beat. It was a little nerve racking at first because the midwife was not able to find the heart beat. She ended up moving on with the exam and she discovered that my uterus is tilted way back, which is what would make it extremely difficult to find the heartbeat. To get around that, she tried using the doppler again, only this time she pressed pretty hard down on my belly. Then...there it was...the faintest, tiniest, itty bittiest sound of a heart beat.

Nursery

2009-01-12T15:33:00.000-08:00

Before Craig and I knew we were pregnant, we had already talked about decorating the nursery neutral colors because, at the time, we were considering adoption and wanted the nursery to be prepared for both genders. The colors we chose were: sage green and chocolate brown. Now that we are pregnant...our color choice hasn't changed. With the many hours that I have put into watching HGTV, I found the perfect wall painting idea for the nursery. Craig and I have agreed to paint all four walls a light sage green, with the exception on one wall. After painting the one wall the same color as the others, we would then create about 12 inch wide stripes and paint them the same color, only in a satin finish. I saw it on a home design show, and I loved it!!!
As for the nursery set, we never really found a set that we both agreed on, so we decided to piece one together. We bought a couple different sage green sheets (solids, stripes, etc), a soft/fuzzy chocolate brown bumper (it has raised polka dots on one side), and then my mom is going to make the crib skirt based off of a picture we found on the internet (The one pictured above). It will be a solid chocolate brown and the bottom three inches will be a sage green stripe.
My mom is also going to make a quilt for the baby. This is a tradition she does for each of her grandkids. So, for most of the day yesterday, we went to JoAnne Fabrics and picked out fabric for the quilt. That was a lot of fun. The quilt pattern is called, "Drunk Love in a Log Cabin". A bit of an inappropriate name for a baby's quilt, but what baby doesn't know...won't hurt it.
Last, but not least, we found a pattern for the window valance. It is a simple valance, made out of the same material as part of the quilt, chocolate brown with small cream polka dots. The bottom of the valance has a wave and then we will be attaching small brown fuzzy balls. As I am writing this, it sounds pretty odd and maybe a bit ugly, but trust me...it will be too cute.
Once all is in place, I will make sure to take pictures and post them...but that won't be for quite some time.

Long Overdue

2009-01-12T14:52:00.000-08:00

An update to my blog has been long overdue. Sorry about that.

Things have been going really well!! One thing I failed to mention in my first "pregnancy" post was that during my first ultrasound, the doctor found a cyst in my left ovary. At that time it measured 22mm. It was actually larger than the baby was at that time. The doctor told me that one of two things would happen. Either it would just get reabsorbed back into the body, or it would rupture. Because I was pregnant, there was nothing I could do except wait to see what happens.
I remember during my many procedures in the past, I had developed a cyst. At that time, they gave me options of going on birth control pills or waiting for it to rupture. They said that it could be painful enough to need painkillers. From what I remember, that cyst was just reabsorbed into the body because I was never in serious pain.
Well, at the end of my school day on Friday I started to have a constant dull pain on the lower left side below my abdomen. I didn't think much of it at all because by now (11 weeks)I had already forgotten about the cyst. When the pain didn't go away, I started to get a bit worried...then it finally dawned on me: my cyst probably ruptured.
On Saturday, the pain was still annoying but not horrible. However, Sunday was a pain (pun intended). I could not get comfortable and at times...there were a few tears shed. I ended up calling the doctors office to see if there was anything I could take. When they returned my message, she asked me: "On a scale of 1 to 10, how much pain are you in?" I hate this question, because right now...I am thinking 10 is reserved for my future labor pains, so compared to that this ruptured cyst is nothing!!! I just told her that it was really annoying pain. I can live through it, but if I don't have to bear it than I wanted to know what I could do. My next scheduled appointment was for Thursday, but she bumped it up to today, Monday, so that the doctor could check everything out and make sure it was OK.
That made me a little nervous...just moving up the appointment made me wonder if there was something that I needed to concerned about.

Well, the time finally arrived for my appointment. And as expected...everything was just fine!! The cyst wasn't completely gone, but it was much smaller (16mm), so the doctor determined that I actually have a small leak in the cyst which would explain the constant dull pain. He reassured me that it in NO WAY affects the baby. He then moved on to view our little bambino. The little thing wouldn't stop moving!! It's heartbeat was between 140-150 beats per minute (that's good). The newest development was that I could actually count the teeny weeny fingers because the bones are starting to calcify which makes them a bright white on the screen. It was pretty amazing the see the individual fingers.

So, all is well...VERY WELL!!! As of today, I am 11 weeks 4 days, so Thursday will be my 12 week mark...sending me into my second trimester!!! WOO-HOO!!!

10 Week Ultrasound

2009-01-02T10:59:00.001-08:00

I went in to the Dr.'s office today for an ultrasound. I am originally scheduled with the Dr. on Monday, but I called the office today to see if I could come in today so as to put my concerns to rest before heading back to school on Monday. Concerns...yes!!! I'm sure that I am not the first one here, but I just still don't believe that I am pregnant, it doesn't seem real to me yet. I know we have already had an ultrasound at 8 weeks, and I know that I saw the heartbeat...but I don't know if it will ever feel "real" until that baby is resting peacefully in my arms.
Well, there was no doctor in the office today, but the nurse did let me come in. She said that I would still have to keep my original appointment on Monday, with the doctor, but that she would let me come in so she could show me my baby's heartbeat and put my mind at ease...and did it ever!!!
The baby definitely looks like a "baby" now. We could make out the arms and the legs. We could see the brain...and then we saw the heartbeat, strong as ever. And then the COOLEST thing happened...the baby started moving!!! You could see the head moving, and then, I'm not even kidding, one of the hands waved at us. Did they know they were on camera? Probably not, but it was pretty special regardless. The nurse even got a kick out of it.
I will be scanning the ultrasound pictures so I can post them up for you all to see.

I Got An Early Christmas Gift

2008-12-22T19:12:00.000-08:00

I got an early Christmas gift on Friday...I found out that I'M PREGNANT!!!! I cannot believe it...after three and a half years of what felt like PURE TORTURE...I have been given the gift of life!!! Here is the quick story:

I took a home pregnancy test on Friday (I was having a really long cycle, however I had already taken a test two weeks prior that came out negative), and I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the second line slowly appear!!! I rushed to Craig to wake him up (a little too abruptly), and I showed him the test as I cried out, "What does this mean? This can't be right". We were both in a bit of denial and didn't know what to do with it.

I waited impatiently for the time to pass until the Dr.'s office opened up so I could schedule a time to come in for a blood draw to get a more accurate test result. They called me back a couple hours later saying, "Anything 25 and above is pregnant, and your levels are in the 700's. You are VERY pregnant." They called back the next day to tell me that my HCG level is 41,440 so there is no need for them to monitor that anymore, "You are definitely...definitely pregnant." There is only one thing that they have to monitor, my progesterone, that they put me on medications for...but my blood draw today showed that it is exactly where they want it to be now. After the blood draw, I had an ultrasound with the doctor to determine how far along I was. It didn't take long before we saw our little baby on the monitor...and it's heartbeat!! The doctor determined that we are already 8 weeks along.

Never, in a million years, would I have believed this is where my journey would take me. I think, I know...that I am still is dismay. I just don't believe it. Every time I look down at my belly, it kind of creeps me out that there is a little baby growing inside of me. Is that wrong?!?

Well, I guess this blog will be changing a bit...from my adoption journey to my pregnancy journey. Craig and I will never fully shut the door on adoption...we are actually going to still attend the "Intro" class for the Agency that we chose.

We Actaully Sat Down And Wrote "The Letter"

2008-12-17T22:23:00.000-08:00

Still not sure as to what the "requirements" are for our adoption profile (size, # of pages, etc), I decided to sit down with Craig in an attempt to begin writing our DBML (Dear Birthmother Letter). I had no idea where to even begin. We started out by looking all over the internet and reading other couples DBML's. It gave us a small idea of things that we wanted to cover in our own letter.

This truly was a teamwork effort. We had an idea of what information needed to be covered, but we also knew that we somehow needed to try and stand out. (I actually read a blog from a mother searching for adoptive parents for her unborn child. She said that she had a pile of 300 letters to review...300.

I started writing the letter...deleting...and writing again. After I had a solid paragraph written, Craig took over and wrote a few paragraphs about each of us. Once he got tired, I took over one last time. I made a few slight alterations, added a few more paragraphs about our family and our personal lives, and then brought the letter to a closing.

I read it aloud to Craig...and we loved it!! I can't believe we actually completed it in one evening. I sent the letter in an email to each of our parents so they could read it over and catch any mistakes that I may have missed...but for the most part, it's done.

This was the one thing that I was dreading the most. It just feels like you are trying to sell yourself as future parents...that's exactly what it is. Well, hopefully the birthmother is able to get a true glimpse into who Craig and I are when they read our letter.

What not to say to your infertile friend

2008-12-10T10:07:00.000-08:00

The Perfect T-Shirt Design For This Post:

I love you all...but seriously, some things that people say to me are just without common sense!!! I can't tell you how tired I am of hearing the CLASSIC story of "I know a person who"...

A: couldn't have children either. Once they relaxed...*POOF*
B: got pregnant as soon as they decided to adopt
C: adopted a child and then they were able to get pregnant on their own

And while I'm on the subject...if you do have kids, don't complain about them to me!! Make sure never to utter these words to me: "This is what you have to look forward to, are you sure you know what you're getting into?" Are you kidding me?!? Seriously!!! Really?!?

Whatever the story, whatever the circumstance, please don't compare it to me!! I am tired of the millions of stories. It sounds to me that...you all probably know the same one person. It is a small world out there after all. My situation is mine, and mine alone. Whatever happens to me on this journey is unique. It won't be because I am finally "RELAXING" or because I have finally decided to adopt. Not to be rude, but I really don't care to hear about who you know. As if I don't feel broken enough...how am I supposed to feel when I still don't get pregnant after adoption?!? Don't get me wrong, that is not why I am doing adoption, I'm just saying...what is the point of your story? What am I supposed to feel when I hear of someone else who had this miraculous pregnancy?

So...I found this post on the Do's and Don'ts of what to say to your infertile friend, written from someone with experience!! It is REALLY good!! Just click on the link below...enjoy!

Life in The Polar North Defrosts: What not to say to your infertile friend

We Met With Another Couple Tonight

2008-12-06T17:55:00.000-08:00

Craig and I just got back from meeting with a couple who have gone through the process of "foster to adopt". Even though we are pretty determined to do birth-mother adoption, we thought it would be a good idea to learn about all of our options. This couple was absolutely AMAZING!!! They have three boys of their own, and always knew that they would adopt someday...and someday came not so long ago. They chose to do foster-to-adopt because they had a few friends who have gone through it. With that said, they did know exactly what they wanted and they made their requests known to the state. I just loved their story, it was one that gives hope and encouragement.

They received a few calls from the state in hopes of placement, but after asking their list of questions, they had to turn down a few of the kids because the match would not have been a good one for their home. When they got the call for their, now, child...it was perfect. The child was only three weeks old at the time.

They shared how there is no difference in love for their "biological" children as there is for their "foster" child. They are amazed at how much their foster baby is a part of them, showing attributes that each of their family members have...the whole nurture versus nature debate. They confirmed for us how it doesn't matter whether your child is biological or adopted...they were chosen specifically for you.

They did say that if they didn't have three boys already, that going the "foster" route would not have been something they would have wanted to do, rather they would have worked with an agency. She talked about the potential of the child being taken away and placed back with the birth family. They were aware of that going into fostering, but already having three children made that situation more bearable.

All in all, Craig and I were extremely blessed to have met with them. As we left the Starbucks, she came over to Craig and I and gave us the biggest hug EVER!!! She was teary eyed and so excited for our journey. She made us promise to invite them to our adoption party. Craig and I didn't know that you give "adoption" parties...but hey, you can't say no to another party!! YEAH!!

Finally, we got the application!!

2008-12-05T21:20:00.000-08:00

OK...so I didn't actually get this application from the agency. By pure coincidence, I happen to have an old friend who is going through the same agency that we chose. When she found out that we were going with the same agency she offered to gather up copies of all of her paperwork: application, profile, release forms, etc. Well...it finally arrived in the mail on yesterday. I was like a small child on Christmas morning!!! I went straight to the back room, opened up the envelop and read through all the papers.

This will definitely be enough to keep me busy through the month, maybe even through to our "Intro" class in the middle of January...who am I kidding, I'll be done with everything by next week...seriously!! Since I'm being honest, I typed up all of the questions from the application onto a Word Document. I then emailed it to myself at work, so I could go through it during any "available" time...*wink*. Lets just say, I've already answered most of the questions.

Here is what I have left to do:

Create a family profile (which is basically a printed scrapbook), write up a "birth mother letter" (this seems like the hardest thing...I don't even know where to begin on this), and I have some specific numbers to gather (house appraisal and equity, student loan info, etc). I'm sure I could find some other things...but for now, this will keep me busy.

Hears to beginning the adoption process!!

PRIDE Training...AKA: BORING!!!

2008-12-03T15:56:00.000-08:00

Yesterday the hubby and I started our PRIDE training. It is a required class in Washington for anyone who is considering adoption, or fostering. It is a total of about 30 hours, so basically all of my evenings are booked for the next week and a half. I feel like I am rushing home after work to eat a quick dinner and then head off to class. It begins at 5:30 and ends at 9:30...can anyone say "WAY TOO LATE", for a school night that is.

I was way too anxious as we were heading out to class the first night. I knew that I was being anxious for no reason, but still...it was the first "actual" step towards our adoption journey. Well, I think it goes without saying that the classes are BORING...BORING I TELL YOU!!! I think it is most frustrating because I can already tell that the majority of the classes are geared towards fostering rather than adoption. It would be great if there were two different forms of classes.

Well, it is what it is...unfortunately. I laugh because I had a ticker going for this class, and now I want to create a ticker to count down the days until this is over!!

Two classes down, five more to go!!

Informative Meeting

2008-11-29T22:07:00.000-08:00

Today, we were able to meet with a couple who has gone through the entire adoption process with the very agency that we have chosen...they were actually the couple that turned us towards this agency's direction.

The meeting went very well. They shared their own ups and downs of the process, what the birth mother was like and the agreements that they made in regards to the openness of the adoption. They shared with us what the home study was like in addition to a general time line for everything.

They were so nice and completely transparent with us, not glossing over the struggles that they encountered. It was nice to be able to actually talk to someone who has gone through this.

Monday...is the big day. We begin our "PRIDE" training!!! I can't wait...I'm sure that I am excited about nothing, but it just feels good to be able and finally DO something...work towards meeting our adoption requirements. I'll keep you posted.

Listen To Parts Of Our Pastor's Message: When Does Life Begin

2008-11-29T11:45:00.000-08:00

Click on the title of this blog and it will link to the Pastor's Message titled: "When Does Life Begin"

A few weeks after our IVF procedure, our Pastor announced that he was going to begin a new series answering questions that the congregation had. All we had to do was to go to the church website, and submit a question. From there, he would choose a few to give a message on.

At the time, I was completely lost as to what I understood in regards to our procedure...more specifically the embryos that we lost. I had received a few different explanations from friends and families around us: "You have every right to mourn, you lost five children." "You need to move on, there was no life in those embryos." My husband and I have always believed that life begins at conception, therefore, we considered our five embryos to be life; whether they were in my uterus or in a petri dish. I think that it hit home for us, when the embryologist showed us the video of him fertilizing each egg and then watching them grow each day from two cells, to four, and finally to eight. It was truly amazing to watch.

Once we received the tragic news that we were not pregnant, my mind got the best of me. Considering that they were "life", a part of me wondered if they were in Heaven. Are they in an incubator in Heaven or are they already full grown? If they aren't full grown, then who is watching over them and taking care of them as a baby? What do they look like? I wondered if they were looking down on Craig and I. If they are in Heaven, I can't believe that they are in the presence of God right now. How amazing. I mean, if you think about it...our kids had to be pretty special for God to want them in Heaven as quickly as he did.

With so many questions...I decided to submit them to our Pastor, not thinking in a million years that he would choose my question to make a message out of. Well...he did...and I cried through the entire thing. Needless to say, I had to get a copy of the message so that I could actually hear it. I feel that our Pastor touched on an extremely difficult topic with much grace.

Having just received the CD, I couldn't wait to share it with you all. The original message is about 38 minutes long. I have edited it down to just under 20 minutes to share with you. If you would like to listen to entire message...my husband (the computer genius) is working on creating a link so that you can download it.

I'm Thankful...

2008-11-27T08:52:00.000-08:00

It was about two years ago when I began meeting with our previous Pastor's wife for counsel. One of the things that she wanted me to do was read a Psalm each day and then...in a sense, write my own Psalm that paralleled the one that I had just read. Today, I remember a Psalm that really stuck out to me. It was Psalm 42.

As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.
My soul thirts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:

The Psalm continues as David lists out what he is thankful for. I realized that I have A LOT to be thankful for and that it is all easily forgotten when I place all of my focus, all of my heart, on the one thing that I can't have. It was then that I decided to list out what I was thankful to God for. Here is what I listed:

1. My wonderful, supportive, and loving Parents
2. Meeting and falling in love with the man of my dreams
3. A God who loves me and has a GRAND plan for my life
4. Going back to school and receiving a degree within my calling
5. My brother who would do just about anything for me
6. My beautiful dream house in the middle of my dream neighborhood
7. Two nice and dependable cars
8. My dream job and wonderful coworkers
9. A talented husband of many trades
10. Friends who deeply care about me
11. FInances that have always just "somehow" been enough
12. A support system through Maria and Joel

I know that I could continue my list to no end, but these are the things in my life that really stick out, that have made my journey a little bit more bearable...especially when you are surrounded with friends and family who won't let you give up. Who won't let you lose yourself in a struggle. Who won't let you be alone for too long. I don't know where I would be without everyone in my life, without their prayers. THANK YOU TO EACH ONE OF YOU!!!

At the end of Psalm 42, David says this in verse 11:

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

I love the...."I will YET praise him". I know that God has a plan for my life. He knows the desires of my heart. One thing that has kept me going...is knowing that very thing. Jeremiah 29:4, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I know there is something better than this out there, and I don't want to set up camp in the "crappy" part of my life. In order to find out what God has in store for me, I have no choice but to keep on moving forward. OH...there have been MANY days, where I have "set up camp" because it was comfortable and easy. Some days, it was nice to sit down and have a pity party for awhile. Thank God for giving me the courage and the strength to get up and out of those traps.

I Would Die For That...

2008-11-26T18:20:00.000-08:00

I still can't make it through this video with dry eyes. Go ahead...give it a try.

Lay It Down

2008-11-23T21:27:00.001-08:00

Open Sesame

2008-11-21T18:58:00.000-08:00

It didn't take long before the doors started to open.

Well, the following Monday, I went to work and told a select few about our new direction. I shared with them that even though I was ecstatic about the new decision, I was already feeling overwhelmed with trying to find information on agencies, attorneys, etc...I just didn't know where to begin. The internet almost had too much information, in a sense, I wasn't able to find anything local.

A few of my friends mentioned that they had known someone who has adopted and offered to ask them and see if they would like to meet with me and share their experiences. I loved the idea. It didn't take long before we got a response. A friend of a friend, emailed me with a quick blurb of their process and the agency that they went through. I found the agency online and it looked perfect!! It is a Christian Agency that was founded to help couples adopt without the huge financial burden. The Agency, Adoption Ministry, specializes in "foster to adopt" and "birth mother/infant adoption"

The next day, I met a friend for coffee and it turns out that her mother-in-law (whom my husband and I both know well) works for Youth For Christ, which is an organization that works directly with the agency we picked up. Her mother-in-law helps to license couples for "foster to adopt". So I immediately called her to talk to her and ask her a million questions.

Lastly, I had called an old girlfriend of mine who I knew had adopted previously. I thought it would be good to talk to her and ask her a few questions. When she was able to return my call, it didn't take long before she said that her and her husband were in the middle of adopting their 2nd child...and they were going through the same agency that we were considering. What are the chances?!? She had so much to share with us: experience, examples, stories, testimonies, etc. She was a wealth of information.

I finally ended up calling the agency and I signed us up for their next available "introductory" class on January 13th. It is such a different feeling to have an actual date to depend on. I feel like...I have been trying to start a family for about 4 years now, but these next 2 months are going to be the longest two months ever!!!

Waiting For Our Family To Grow

2008-11-20T21:24:00.000-08:00

This "blogging" thing is so new to me, so bear with me until I get the hang of things.

My husband and I have been married for nine years, this past March. I was 19 years old and he was 22. After our first year of marriage, I decided to go back to school to finish my four year degree and work my way towards becoming a teacher. We had just bought our first house, so we were both a bit fearful of the finance aspect of things, but it ended up working out just fine. I was in school for a total of four years (three years to finish my BA and one more year to earn my teaching certificate). Towards the end of my final year, I had an interview with a school. They called me the next day, in the middle of my class, to offer me a position. I couldn't believe it!! I was so excited, I told the kids, "I can't focus right now. We have got to call my family and tell them the good news." I called my husband and both of my parents. As soon as they answered, I held the phone up to the class and they all shouted, "SHE GOT THE JOB!" Later that day, my parents had sent a bouquet of flowers to my room to congratulate me. My husband surprised me at the end of the day with flowers and a bouquet of balloons...as I looked at the balloons, I noticed that one of them said, "It's A Boy!" I was pretty puzzled by that...what was that supposed to mean? He shared with me that it was finally time for us. We have reached that part of life where we were both in a place to begin our family.I was speechless!!

About four years later...and here I am. My husband and I tried to conceive on our own for one year, the recommended amount of time before you are considered to be infertile. During that year, my OB/GYN put me on clomid for about five cycles...with no results. After that year, we were referred to a specialist. They took a few tests and we found out a lot about ourselves. I found out that I don't always ovulate, that my hormone levels are not at a place to sustain a birth even if I were to get pregnant...and, oh yeah, somehow my body has created antibodies to attack and kill any sperm that comes into contact with my body. As for my husband, he was great...at least for now.

When the doctor went over our results, he said that these are issues that can be overcome with certain procedures, namely putting me back on clomid and adding IUI. He had no doubt that we would be pregnant within the next three months. After two failed IUI attempts, I had to take a break during my third cycle because I had developed a large cyst in one of my ovaries. Finally, the third IUI attempt failed and the doctors response was to schedule me for a laparoscopy to make sure that my ovaries were in working condition. The laparoscopy showed that everything was in great working order. He saw that apparently I had endometriosis at one point due to some scarring on my ovaries, but it was no longer an issue. As a result, the doctor wanted to try a bit more aggressive procedure with me. He decided to put me on injections followed by two IUI's (two days in a row). After going through all of the shots for the first attempt, we decided to cancel the IUI because my ultrasounds showed that I had only produced one follicle. For the second cycle, the Dr. increased my dosage times 4. My ovaries responded very well to that. I had a number of follicles produced, I even remember the nurse getting a huge smile on her face. Everything was finally in my favor. We knew that my body was doing exactly what it was supposed to do, we had a large number of follicles, Craig's soldiers where high in number and stronger than ever...unfortunately...after the two week wait, I got the dreaded call from the nurse to tell me that my blood work was negative.

It was right around here that I found myself surrounded by depression. Well, let's be honest, it was long before this moment!!! However, it was at this point that I needed to get help from an outside source because I knew that I could no longer carry this burden on my own. I ended up calling on my Pastor's wife and asked to meet with her. She became my saving grace. Through a long process, and many meetings, she was able to help me find the part of "ME" that got lost and buried from the "INFERTILE" me. You see...I was the first of all of my friends to marry, however, the last remaining one to have a child. During this long journey of infertility, I would just sit by and watch each one of my friends announce their news of pregnancy...even to the point where a few of them began announcing their second pregnancies. I became extremely jealous and even bitter as I watched them tend to their new bundles of joy. It got to the point where I started to avoid all baby showers. Honestly, I think that I avoided babies, all together, for at least three years of this process. It didn't matter how close the friend was, if they had a baby, I began to isolate myself from them. It was too hard to watch them with their child. It was too hard to be in the same room with a baby and not wonder if I would ever have one to call my own. It helped to distance me from something that I wanted so badly, but couldn't have. Though...I know now that that was the opposite of what I should have done.

After our fifth negative procedure with the infertility clinic, the doctor decided to do one more test on my husband. It turned out that the results showed us that his sperm cannot penetrate an egg. Imagine that?!?! After all that we had gone through...after all of the hormones and injections that I shot up...it would have been nice to have had that test taken in the beginning rather than putting my body through all of that and finding out it was a wasted effort.

From my husbands results, the Dr. told us that our only chance of conceiving was through IVF with ICSI. We were blown away. We would have never imagined that our lives would have ever ventured in this direction. It took us months to be able to actually make a commitment towards this. Craig was all for it, he was all ready to move forward...EASY FOR HIM, he was the one administering the shots and standing next to my bedside during the retrieval and transfer. Me, on the other hand...I wasn't ready for it. I just thought of the pain that we went through with all of the other procedures, I imagined that IVF with be a million times harder to accept if it didn't work out. My prayers during that time were for God to change Craig's heart. I was ready to begin looking into adoption. However, you've heard it a million times, you ask God to change someone else's heart, and it is your own heart that eventually comes around. And so it was, my heart began to change and I felt that, in finding "ME" again, that I had become strong enough to move forward with IVF. I knew that we would regret it if we didn't try everything in our power. So, through much discussion, and hard work trying to save up all $14,000...we decided to go for it. Finally, in the summer of 2008, we did it.

Being a person that HATES shots with a passion, I can't believe that I made it through alive. My husband did so well in giving me my shots. They started out at just two shots a day for about a week, and then to four shots a day for the last week. I took my pills religiously and ate all of the recommended foods while trying to conceive. At the retrieval, they knocked me out with some good old anesthesia and the doctor went in with a HUGE needle to retrieve all of my eggs. We ended up having a total ten eggs retrieved, eight of which were mature enough. Of the eight, five of them were fertilized. The day finally arrived for the transfer (day #3). With the Dr.'s advice we transferred all five embryo's (that was a scary decision, but not all of them were of high grade. The Dr. said that they would just help to tell my body to do what it needs to do in order to sustain a pregnancy). It was absolutely amazing when the embryologist came in to show us the video of him fertilizing each egg and then watching the cells divide each day until the eventually reached a total of 8 cells. AMAZING, truly amazing. It was the first picture of our five little babies.

The "two week" wait was the worst...the longest two weeks of my life. The day came for my blood draw...and the results...NEGATIVE. As soon as I got off the phone, I dropped to my knees and cried on the floor for the rest of the day...and then some. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know why this was happening. I didn't understand why we had to go through all of this. I was broken, and I didn't want to be fixed.

After time had passed, and we were able to gain some sort of healing, we both came to an understanding that God must have a different plan for us in starting our family. It wasn't until November 1st (The first day of "National Adoption Month"...though we didn't know it at the time) that we made the decision official. Through it all, we knew that God had other things in mind for us and we felt ready to find out what they were. We felt that the doors were being closed through the fertility treatments and we were both curious to see if doors would start opening up for us with adoption.

Thus, our journey begins.