Since my sort-of "break down"...Craig and I agreed to come up with a day and time where we could sit down and discuss our "options". I know most of my "break down" is due to some heightened emotions, but I still think that it also brought to light some concerns/issues that were being ignored or suppressed.
Once we were able to find some time, it was interesting what came up. Right away, Craig brought up adoption and how he was ready to get the process started. On a side note: A couple of weeks prior to this Craig was on a business trip to Virginia. During his time there, he met with his boss for his review. She shared with him about their adoption process and how they have a close relationship with the birth-mother and how wonderful the entire experience was/is. It really impressed Craig.
Me, on the other hand, came to the conversation with the desire to go back to the fertility clinic. I feel a little torn with this desire. I feel like...after all I have been through...it almost feels like I am not "trusting" that I will get the same miracle again!! That is my fear in sharing this with others around me. What are they going to say? Are they going to tell me to "relax" again? Are they going to tell me to just give it more time? But then...why do I care what they have to say? In these situations anyone can say, "I don't care what they think", but it so matters. It matters because I, unfortunately, put weight on what others say and think. I ponder it...and I let it get to me. So...back to "the conversation".
In wanting to go back to the clinic...what I mean is that I want to try out the new clinic that moved into town: Seattle Reproductive Clinic. I looked into them before, but I didn't want to have to travel to Seattle for each and every procedure...so they were eliminated. Well, now they have a satellite office in Tacoma now. I told Craig that I was just interested in having a consultation meeting with a doctor to see what they thought of our past procedures and diagnoses. I absolutely DO NOT want to have major procedures done, but I am curious about whether or not the doctor would recommend any pill/hormones that could balance me out in hopes of allowing my body to do what it needs to do for a pregnancy.
So, at the end of our conversation, the verdict is as follows:
We will continue to try on our own for three more months. During that time, we will meet and have a consultation with Seattle Reproductive Medicine (SRM) just to see what they recommend. After three months, Craig and I will regroup and figure out what's next.
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Flash Back
Well, today I felt like crap for most of the day. Let me back up and explain...at least what I believe to be the cause of my crappy feeling:
Last night was the meeting for our infertility support group. Only three of us were able to show up, which always makes for an interesting discussion night. I feel like, the smaller the group, the deeper the conversation because less people get more time to talk and share.
So, anyways, one of the girls asked me if I was diagnosed, by my previous doctor, with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome). I had never heard that term used to describe my cause of infertility...but she insisted that, from the symptoms I described to the group (irregular cycles and lack of ovulation), that she was sure that I had PCOS. I wasn't really bothered by the insistence...though I thought, but it got me to think..."Do I have PCOS?" "Is that why I'm not pregnant now?" "Is that keeping me from getting pregnant this second time around...because I was so sure that the second pregnancy would be quick and easy." "Did the doctors misdiagnose me?" The questions just kept running around in my head.
Later on, towards the end of the meeting, the other girl had asked me about our plans for having more children. This provided me the perfect opportunity to share that Craig and I had actually been trying for over a year now for baby #2. (I was always so afraid to bring that up because I didn't want to be "that" person in the infertility group who already had a baby and was greedy for another one...when the other girls in the group were desiring just one). I shared with them that Craig and I decided that once we were given the A.O.K. to start trying again, that we would do exactly that. I brought up how so many statistics say that once your body has a baby, it is able to figure out how it is intended to function and the second time around isn't as difficult...but I am finding that to not really apply to me. I shared how I was so excited because I thought my cycles were finally "regular" at 38 days...until the nurse told me that a 38 day cycle pretty much means no ovulation.
So...put those two things together: being able to be open about being back in the saddle with "trying" for baby #2 for over a year with no luck...and then having someone tell you that they are sure you have PCOS...for the first time since Emily...I began to feel infertile again.
As a result, I felt like CRAP all day today. I felt like at any moment I could just let the flood gates open. I felt like "WOE is me"...and I so hated feeling like that!!!! I have such a wonderful daughter...who by the way, as I was telling Craig how I was feeling...and crying on his shoulder, Emily came over to me and gave me hug and hug after hug because her mommy was crying. I DO NOT want to fall back into depression, and I know that I am just letting lies fill my head: battlefield of the mind!!!!
So, I find myself at a crossroad. Do I continue to try for baby #2 knowing that God has done a miracle with Emily and is more than capable to perform another miracle in me? Or do I seek out medical help (which I don't believe is "giving up" on God!!!) with SRM (who, by the way, has just so happened to open up a new office in Tacoma!!!) Part of me is SO CURIOUS as to what they would recommend!!! I am not looking to do any "procedures" any time soon!!! NO WAY JOSE!!! I am just wondering if they would recommend some hormone pills or something extremely basic!
There you have it!! Here we go again!
Last night was the meeting for our infertility support group. Only three of us were able to show up, which always makes for an interesting discussion night. I feel like, the smaller the group, the deeper the conversation because less people get more time to talk and share.
So, anyways, one of the girls asked me if I was diagnosed, by my previous doctor, with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome). I had never heard that term used to describe my cause of infertility...but she insisted that, from the symptoms I described to the group (irregular cycles and lack of ovulation), that she was sure that I had PCOS. I wasn't really bothered by the insistence...though I thought, but it got me to think..."Do I have PCOS?" "Is that why I'm not pregnant now?" "Is that keeping me from getting pregnant this second time around...because I was so sure that the second pregnancy would be quick and easy." "Did the doctors misdiagnose me?" The questions just kept running around in my head.
Later on, towards the end of the meeting, the other girl had asked me about our plans for having more children. This provided me the perfect opportunity to share that Craig and I had actually been trying for over a year now for baby #2. (I was always so afraid to bring that up because I didn't want to be "that" person in the infertility group who already had a baby and was greedy for another one...when the other girls in the group were desiring just one). I shared with them that Craig and I decided that once we were given the A.O.K. to start trying again, that we would do exactly that. I brought up how so many statistics say that once your body has a baby, it is able to figure out how it is intended to function and the second time around isn't as difficult...but I am finding that to not really apply to me. I shared how I was so excited because I thought my cycles were finally "regular" at 38 days...until the nurse told me that a 38 day cycle pretty much means no ovulation.
So...put those two things together: being able to be open about being back in the saddle with "trying" for baby #2 for over a year with no luck...and then having someone tell you that they are sure you have PCOS...for the first time since Emily...I began to feel infertile again.
As a result, I felt like CRAP all day today. I felt like at any moment I could just let the flood gates open. I felt like "WOE is me"...and I so hated feeling like that!!!! I have such a wonderful daughter...who by the way, as I was telling Craig how I was feeling...and crying on his shoulder, Emily came over to me and gave me hug and hug after hug because her mommy was crying. I DO NOT want to fall back into depression, and I know that I am just letting lies fill my head: battlefield of the mind!!!!
So, I find myself at a crossroad. Do I continue to try for baby #2 knowing that God has done a miracle with Emily and is more than capable to perform another miracle in me? Or do I seek out medical help (which I don't believe is "giving up" on God!!!) with SRM (who, by the way, has just so happened to open up a new office in Tacoma!!!) Part of me is SO CURIOUS as to what they would recommend!!! I am not looking to do any "procedures" any time soon!!! NO WAY JOSE!!! I am just wondering if they would recommend some hormone pills or something extremely basic!
There you have it!! Here we go again!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Infertility Support Group
Over the summer, an infertility support group has started at my church and I have been given the privilege in helping to lead it. So far we have met four times now, and each meeting has brought with it a new member. I am honored to be a part of this group, to be able to encourage women who are in the middle of such a difficult and extremely lonely and isolating journey. What humbles me the most is that they are willing to accept me into the group...even though I now have Emily.
When I put myself back in "that" place, I would never, in a million years, want to receive encouragement or prayer from someone who wasn't CURRENTLY fighting the same battle...because, in my eyes, they had no clue what I was going through. Yes, I would acknowledge the fact that they had "struggled" with infertility...but how could that person really know what I was going through if they had won their battle and given birth to a child? They no longer feel the same pain or loneliness. They no longer have to wonder if they will ever become a mother.
A part of me feels guilty for wanting to be a part of this amazing group. In no way do I want to bring more bitterness or jealousy into their hearts. Is it selfish for me to be a part of this?
NOW, that I am "on the other side of the fence" I know that my pain is still fresh. I know that I will NEVER forget the hurt, the torture, the hate, the bitterness, the jealousy, the anger that I had felt. My desire, in being a part of this support group, is to be the support. I don't necessarily want to say, "Hey, look at me!!! Look at my happy ending!! If you wait just a little longer, you too can have an Emily." That's not it at all!!! I simply want to be a pillar for these women to lean on. A safe place for them to vent. A sweet word of encouragement when nothing seems to soothe the pain.
Man...tonight was such a tough night as a newer member shared her story. It seemed to mirror my own journey. Both her and her husband had obstacles to overcome. I couldn't believe when she shared that, just last month, she had gone through her first IVF, and had transferred five embryos...JUST LIKE ME...and, unfortunately, just like me, she got the call from the nurse telling her that her results were negative. SON OF A ~~~~~!!!! I just wanted to cry. So much of my past pain began to overwhelm me. I still don't understand how I, how women and spouses, survive such a tragedy...such a loss. None of this journey is fair...I have never understood why so many wonderful and deserving people struggle in becoming parents...and then there are so many people with children that don't deserve them...can't handle them or afford them, or LOVE them!!!! Even now, I am reminded of what my Pastor said in his message from my letter two years ago: "There are no accidental children, just accidental parents."
I am so blessed to be a part of this group, and thankful to be accepted. I pray that the scars of my own journey are not forgotten, but can shared with others in order to bring hope in a place where it might otherwise be lost.
When I put myself back in "that" place, I would never, in a million years, want to receive encouragement or prayer from someone who wasn't CURRENTLY fighting the same battle...because, in my eyes, they had no clue what I was going through. Yes, I would acknowledge the fact that they had "struggled" with infertility...but how could that person really know what I was going through if they had won their battle and given birth to a child? They no longer feel the same pain or loneliness. They no longer have to wonder if they will ever become a mother.
A part of me feels guilty for wanting to be a part of this amazing group. In no way do I want to bring more bitterness or jealousy into their hearts. Is it selfish for me to be a part of this?
NOW, that I am "on the other side of the fence" I know that my pain is still fresh. I know that I will NEVER forget the hurt, the torture, the hate, the bitterness, the jealousy, the anger that I had felt. My desire, in being a part of this support group, is to be the support. I don't necessarily want to say, "Hey, look at me!!! Look at my happy ending!! If you wait just a little longer, you too can have an Emily." That's not it at all!!! I simply want to be a pillar for these women to lean on. A safe place for them to vent. A sweet word of encouragement when nothing seems to soothe the pain.
Man...tonight was such a tough night as a newer member shared her story. It seemed to mirror my own journey. Both her and her husband had obstacles to overcome. I couldn't believe when she shared that, just last month, she had gone through her first IVF, and had transferred five embryos...JUST LIKE ME...and, unfortunately, just like me, she got the call from the nurse telling her that her results were negative. SON OF A ~~~~~!!!! I just wanted to cry. So much of my past pain began to overwhelm me. I still don't understand how I, how women and spouses, survive such a tragedy...such a loss. None of this journey is fair...I have never understood why so many wonderful and deserving people struggle in becoming parents...and then there are so many people with children that don't deserve them...can't handle them or afford them, or LOVE them!!!! Even now, I am reminded of what my Pastor said in his message from my letter two years ago: "There are no accidental children, just accidental parents."
I am so blessed to be a part of this group, and thankful to be accepted. I pray that the scars of my own journey are not forgotten, but can shared with others in order to bring hope in a place where it might otherwise be lost.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
I'm Baaaaaack!!!
Alright, so it seems as though I have fallen off of the face of the earth. I apologize for dropping the blog thing. A lot has been going on recently that has created a renewed desire to get back to my blog writing. So, what do I write about? I originally started this blog because I had struggled with infertility for four years, went through all sorts of infertility treatments (IUI through IVF)...all of which failed. I began this blog as my husband and I took a new direction as we "waited for our family to grow". As we looked into the adoption process...what do you know...I became pregnant.
Now, our baby girl, Emily Jolene, has just turned one year old. No...this is not going to be another blog about an average family...I am going to continue the original theme of this blog...WAITING FOR OUR FAMILY TO GROW.
Hubby and I would love to have more than one baby!!! I have heard so many times that people who have struggled with infertility and eventually became pregnant, that their bodies finally know what to do and they don't struggle in trying to pregnant in the future. Hmm...how true is that? Since it took us four years to get Emily, we both agreed that there would be no reason to use birth control because we had no idea how long it would take to get pregnant again. On top of that...WE WANT MORE!!!! So, needless to say, we are doing what we can :)
Well, the other week, we had a baby dedication at our church. The baby being dedicated was a foster child that the family was able to adopt. As the family shared their story, my eyes began to water...my heart had just reopened to the idea of "foster to adopt". I remember Craig and I talking, at the beginning of my pregnancy, about how our venture into the adoption process will always hold a place in our hearts and how we would stay open to that direction in the future. Well...HELLO FUTURE!! As of now, we have been "trying" for about the last six+ months. Since the recent baby dedication, Craig and I (Well, more me bringing the conversation up to Craig) have been talking about the "foster to adopt" process.
I love the "foster to adopt" route for a number of reasons. First, my mom was rescued by an amazing foster family...and I am always grateful for what that family has done for her. Second, as a teacher, my heart continually breaks each year as I hear about some of my student's home lives. Sometimes I just want to take these kids home and give them a life that they need and deserve. I would just love to be able to provide a new life, a home, and tons of love for a child that wouldn't otherwise get it.
So...this is where my blog comes into play. Join me on this journey as we continue to "wait for our family to grow".
Now, our baby girl, Emily Jolene, has just turned one year old. No...this is not going to be another blog about an average family...I am going to continue the original theme of this blog...WAITING FOR OUR FAMILY TO GROW.
Hubby and I would love to have more than one baby!!! I have heard so many times that people who have struggled with infertility and eventually became pregnant, that their bodies finally know what to do and they don't struggle in trying to pregnant in the future. Hmm...how true is that? Since it took us four years to get Emily, we both agreed that there would be no reason to use birth control because we had no idea how long it would take to get pregnant again. On top of that...WE WANT MORE!!!! So, needless to say, we are doing what we can :)
Well, the other week, we had a baby dedication at our church. The baby being dedicated was a foster child that the family was able to adopt. As the family shared their story, my eyes began to water...my heart had just reopened to the idea of "foster to adopt". I remember Craig and I talking, at the beginning of my pregnancy, about how our venture into the adoption process will always hold a place in our hearts and how we would stay open to that direction in the future. Well...HELLO FUTURE!! As of now, we have been "trying" for about the last six+ months. Since the recent baby dedication, Craig and I (Well, more me bringing the conversation up to Craig) have been talking about the "foster to adopt" process.
I love the "foster to adopt" route for a number of reasons. First, my mom was rescued by an amazing foster family...and I am always grateful for what that family has done for her. Second, as a teacher, my heart continually breaks each year as I hear about some of my student's home lives. Sometimes I just want to take these kids home and give them a life that they need and deserve. I would just love to be able to provide a new life, a home, and tons of love for a child that wouldn't otherwise get it.
So...this is where my blog comes into play. Join me on this journey as we continue to "wait for our family to grow".
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
What not to say to your infertile friend
The Perfect T-Shirt Design For This Post:
I love you all...but seriously, some things that people say to me are just without common sense!!! I can't tell you how tired I am of hearing the CLASSIC story of "I know a person who"...
A: couldn't have children either. Once they relaxed...*POOF*
B: got pregnant as soon as they decided to adopt
C: adopted a child and then they were able to get pregnant on their own
And while I'm on the subject...if you do have kids, don't complain about them to me!! Make sure never to utter these words to me: "This is what you have to look forward to, are you sure you know what you're getting into?" Are you kidding me?!? Seriously!!! Really?!?
Whatever the story, whatever the circumstance, please don't compare it to me!! I am tired of the millions of stories. It sounds to me that...you all probably know the same one person. It is a small world out there after all. My situation is mine, and mine alone. Whatever happens to me on this journey is unique. It won't be because I am finally "RELAXING" or because I have finally decided to adopt. Not to be rude, but I really don't care to hear about who you know. As if I don't feel broken enough...how am I supposed to feel when I still don't get pregnant after adoption?!? Don't get me wrong, that is not why I am doing adoption, I'm just saying...what is the point of your story? What am I supposed to feel when I hear of someone else who had this miraculous pregnancy?
So...I found this post on the Do's and Don'ts of what to say to your infertile friend, written from someone with experience!! It is REALLY good!! Just click on the link below...enjoy!
Life in The Polar North Defrosts: What not to say to your infertile friend
I love you all...but seriously, some things that people say to me are just without common sense!!! I can't tell you how tired I am of hearing the CLASSIC story of "I know a person who"...
A: couldn't have children either. Once they relaxed...*POOF*
B: got pregnant as soon as they decided to adopt
C: adopted a child and then they were able to get pregnant on their own
And while I'm on the subject...if you do have kids, don't complain about them to me!! Make sure never to utter these words to me: "This is what you have to look forward to, are you sure you know what you're getting into?" Are you kidding me?!? Seriously!!! Really?!?
Whatever the story, whatever the circumstance, please don't compare it to me!! I am tired of the millions of stories. It sounds to me that...you all probably know the same one person. It is a small world out there after all. My situation is mine, and mine alone. Whatever happens to me on this journey is unique. It won't be because I am finally "RELAXING" or because I have finally decided to adopt. Not to be rude, but I really don't care to hear about who you know. As if I don't feel broken enough...how am I supposed to feel when I still don't get pregnant after adoption?!? Don't get me wrong, that is not why I am doing adoption, I'm just saying...what is the point of your story? What am I supposed to feel when I hear of someone else who had this miraculous pregnancy?
So...I found this post on the Do's and Don'ts of what to say to your infertile friend, written from someone with experience!! It is REALLY good!! Just click on the link below...enjoy!
Life in The Polar North Defrosts: What not to say to your infertile friend
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Listen To Parts Of Our Pastor's Message: When Does Life Begin
Click on the title of this blog and it will link to the Pastor's Message titled: "When Does Life Begin"
A few weeks after our IVF procedure, our Pastor announced that he was going to begin a new series answering questions that the congregation had. All we had to do was to go to the church website, and submit a question. From there, he would choose a few to give a message on.
At the time, I was completely lost as to what I understood in regards to our procedure...more specifically the embryos that we lost. I had received a few different explanations from friends and families around us: "You have every right to mourn, you lost five children." "You need to move on, there was no life in those embryos." My husband and I have always believed that life begins at conception, therefore, we considered our five embryos to be life; whether they were in my uterus or in a petri dish. I think that it hit home for us, when the embryologist showed us the video of him fertilizing each egg and then watching them grow each day from two cells, to four, and finally to eight. It was truly amazing to watch.
Once we received the tragic news that we were not pregnant, my mind got the best of me. Considering that they were "life", a part of me wondered if they were in Heaven. Are they in an incubator in Heaven or are they already full grown? If they aren't full grown, then who is watching over them and taking care of them as a baby? What do they look like? I wondered if they were looking down on Craig and I. If they are in Heaven, I can't believe that they are in the presence of God right now. How amazing. I mean, if you think about it...our kids had to be pretty special for God to want them in Heaven as quickly as he did.
With so many questions...I decided to submit them to our Pastor, not thinking in a million years that he would choose my question to make a message out of. Well...he did...and I cried through the entire thing. Needless to say, I had to get a copy of the message so that I could actually hear it. I feel that our Pastor touched on an extremely difficult topic with much grace.
Having just received the CD, I couldn't wait to share it with you all. The original message is about 38 minutes long. I have edited it down to just under 20 minutes to share with you. If you would like to listen to entire message...my husband (the computer genius) is working on creating a link so that you can download it.
A few weeks after our IVF procedure, our Pastor announced that he was going to begin a new series answering questions that the congregation had. All we had to do was to go to the church website, and submit a question. From there, he would choose a few to give a message on.
At the time, I was completely lost as to what I understood in regards to our procedure...more specifically the embryos that we lost. I had received a few different explanations from friends and families around us: "You have every right to mourn, you lost five children." "You need to move on, there was no life in those embryos." My husband and I have always believed that life begins at conception, therefore, we considered our five embryos to be life; whether they were in my uterus or in a petri dish. I think that it hit home for us, when the embryologist showed us the video of him fertilizing each egg and then watching them grow each day from two cells, to four, and finally to eight. It was truly amazing to watch.
Once we received the tragic news that we were not pregnant, my mind got the best of me. Considering that they were "life", a part of me wondered if they were in Heaven. Are they in an incubator in Heaven or are they already full grown? If they aren't full grown, then who is watching over them and taking care of them as a baby? What do they look like? I wondered if they were looking down on Craig and I. If they are in Heaven, I can't believe that they are in the presence of God right now. How amazing. I mean, if you think about it...our kids had to be pretty special for God to want them in Heaven as quickly as he did.
With so many questions...I decided to submit them to our Pastor, not thinking in a million years that he would choose my question to make a message out of. Well...he did...and I cried through the entire thing. Needless to say, I had to get a copy of the message so that I could actually hear it. I feel that our Pastor touched on an extremely difficult topic with much grace.
Having just received the CD, I couldn't wait to share it with you all. The original message is about 38 minutes long. I have edited it down to just under 20 minutes to share with you. If you would like to listen to entire message...my husband (the computer genius) is working on creating a link so that you can download it.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
I Would Die For That...
I still can't make it through this video with dry eyes. Go ahead...give it a try.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Waiting For Our Family To Grow
This "blogging" thing is so new to me, so bear with me until I get the hang of things.
My husband and I have been married for nine years, this past March. I was 19 years old and he was 22. After our first year of marriage, I decided to go back to school to finish my four year degree and work my way towards becoming a teacher. We had just bought our first house, so we were both a bit fearful of the finance aspect of things, but it ended up working out just fine. I was in school for a total of four years (three years to finish my BA and one more year to earn my teaching certificate). Towards the end of my final year, I had an interview with a school. They called me the next day, in the middle of my class, to offer me a position. I couldn't believe it!! I was so excited, I told the kids, "I can't focus right now. We have got to call my family and tell them the good news." I called my husband and both of my parents. As soon as they answered, I held the phone up to the class and they all shouted, "SHE GOT THE JOB!" Later that day, my parents had sent a bouquet of flowers to my room to congratulate me. My husband surprised me at the end of the day with flowers and a bouquet of balloons...as I looked at the balloons, I noticed that one of them said, "It's A Boy!" I was pretty puzzled by that...what was that supposed to mean? He shared with me that it was finally time for us. We have reached that part of life where we were both in a place to begin our family.I was speechless!!
About four years later...and here I am. My husband and I tried to conceive on our own for one year, the recommended amount of time before you are considered to be infertile. During that year, my OB/GYN put me on clomid for about five cycles...with no results. After that year, we were referred to a specialist. They took a few tests and we found out a lot about ourselves. I found out that I don't always ovulate, that my hormone levels are not at a place to sustain a birth even if I were to get pregnant...and, oh yeah, somehow my body has created antibodies to attack and kill any sperm that comes into contact with my body. As for my husband, he was great...at least for now.
When the doctor went over our results, he said that these are issues that can be overcome with certain procedures, namely putting me back on clomid and adding IUI. He had no doubt that we would be pregnant within the next three months. After two failed IUI attempts, I had to take a break during my third cycle because I had developed a large cyst in one of my ovaries. Finally, the third IUI attempt failed and the doctors response was to schedule me for a laparoscopy to make sure that my ovaries were in working condition. The laparoscopy showed that everything was in great working order. He saw that apparently I had endometriosis at one point due to some scarring on my ovaries, but it was no longer an issue. As a result, the doctor wanted to try a bit more aggressive procedure with me. He decided to put me on injections followed by two IUI's (two days in a row). After going through all of the shots for the first attempt, we decided to cancel the IUI because my ultrasounds showed that I had only produced one follicle. For the second cycle, the Dr. increased my dosage times 4. My ovaries responded very well to that. I had a number of follicles produced, I even remember the nurse getting a huge smile on her face. Everything was finally in my favor. We knew that my body was doing exactly what it was supposed to do, we had a large number of follicles, Craig's soldiers where high in number and stronger than ever...unfortunately...after the two week wait, I got the dreaded call from the nurse to tell me that my blood work was negative.
It was right around here that I found myself surrounded by depression. Well, let's be honest, it was long before this moment!!! However, it was at this point that I needed to get help from an outside source because I knew that I could no longer carry this burden on my own. I ended up calling on my Pastor's wife and asked to meet with her. She became my saving grace. Through a long process, and many meetings, she was able to help me find the part of "ME" that got lost and buried from the "INFERTILE" me. You see...I was the first of all of my friends to marry, however, the last remaining one to have a child. During this long journey of infertility, I would just sit by and watch each one of my friends announce their news of pregnancy...even to the point where a few of them began announcing their second pregnancies. I became extremely jealous and even bitter as I watched them tend to their new bundles of joy. It got to the point where I started to avoid all baby showers. Honestly, I think that I avoided babies, all together, for at least three years of this process. It didn't matter how close the friend was, if they had a baby, I began to isolate myself from them. It was too hard to watch them with their child. It was too hard to be in the same room with a baby and not wonder if I would ever have one to call my own. It helped to distance me from something that I wanted so badly, but couldn't have. Though...I know now that that was the opposite of what I should have done.
After our fifth negative procedure with the infertility clinic, the doctor decided to do one more test on my husband. It turned out that the results showed us that his sperm cannot penetrate an egg. Imagine that?!?! After all that we had gone through...after all of the hormones and injections that I shot up...it would have been nice to have had that test taken in the beginning rather than putting my body through all of that and finding out it was a wasted effort.
From my husbands results, the Dr. told us that our only chance of conceiving was through IVF with ICSI. We were blown away. We would have never imagined that our lives would have ever ventured in this direction. It took us months to be able to actually make a commitment towards this. Craig was all for it, he was all ready to move forward...EASY FOR HIM, he was the one administering the shots and standing next to my bedside during the retrieval and transfer. Me, on the other hand...I wasn't ready for it. I just thought of the pain that we went through with all of the other procedures, I imagined that IVF with be a million times harder to accept if it didn't work out. My prayers during that time were for God to change Craig's heart. I was ready to begin looking into adoption. However, you've heard it a million times, you ask God to change someone else's heart, and it is your own heart that eventually comes around. And so it was, my heart began to change and I felt that, in finding "ME" again, that I had become strong enough to move forward with IVF. I knew that we would regret it if we didn't try everything in our power. So, through much discussion, and hard work trying to save up all $14,000...we decided to go for it. Finally, in the summer of 2008, we did it.
Being a person that HATES shots with a passion, I can't believe that I made it through alive. My husband did so well in giving me my shots. They started out at just two shots a day for about a week, and then to four shots a day for the last week. I took my pills religiously and ate all of the recommended foods while trying to conceive. At the retrieval, they knocked me out with some good old anesthesia and the doctor went in with a HUGE needle to retrieve all of my eggs. We ended up having a total ten eggs retrieved, eight of which were mature enough. Of the eight, five of them were fertilized. The day finally arrived for the transfer (day #3). With the Dr.'s advice we transferred all five embryo's (that was a scary decision, but not all of them were of high grade. The Dr. said that they would just help to tell my body to do what it needs to do in order to sustain a pregnancy). It was absolutely amazing when the embryologist came in to show us the video of him fertilizing each egg and then watching the cells divide each day until the eventually reached a total of 8 cells. AMAZING, truly amazing. It was the first picture of our five little babies.
The "two week" wait was the worst...the longest two weeks of my life. The day came for my blood draw...and the results...NEGATIVE. As soon as I got off the phone, I dropped to my knees and cried on the floor for the rest of the day...and then some. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know why this was happening. I didn't understand why we had to go through all of this. I was broken, and I didn't want to be fixed.
After time had passed, and we were able to gain some sort of healing, we both came to an understanding that God must have a different plan for us in starting our family. It wasn't until November 1st (The first day of "National Adoption Month"...though we didn't know it at the time) that we made the decision official. Through it all, we knew that God had other things in mind for us and we felt ready to find out what they were. We felt that the doors were being closed through the fertility treatments and we were both curious to see if doors would start opening up for us with adoption.
Thus, our journey begins.
My husband and I have been married for nine years, this past March. I was 19 years old and he was 22. After our first year of marriage, I decided to go back to school to finish my four year degree and work my way towards becoming a teacher. We had just bought our first house, so we were both a bit fearful of the finance aspect of things, but it ended up working out just fine. I was in school for a total of four years (three years to finish my BA and one more year to earn my teaching certificate). Towards the end of my final year, I had an interview with a school. They called me the next day, in the middle of my class, to offer me a position. I couldn't believe it!! I was so excited, I told the kids, "I can't focus right now. We have got to call my family and tell them the good news." I called my husband and both of my parents. As soon as they answered, I held the phone up to the class and they all shouted, "SHE GOT THE JOB!" Later that day, my parents had sent a bouquet of flowers to my room to congratulate me. My husband surprised me at the end of the day with flowers and a bouquet of balloons...as I looked at the balloons, I noticed that one of them said, "It's A Boy!" I was pretty puzzled by that...what was that supposed to mean? He shared with me that it was finally time for us. We have reached that part of life where we were both in a place to begin our family.I was speechless!!
About four years later...and here I am. My husband and I tried to conceive on our own for one year, the recommended amount of time before you are considered to be infertile. During that year, my OB/GYN put me on clomid for about five cycles...with no results. After that year, we were referred to a specialist. They took a few tests and we found out a lot about ourselves. I found out that I don't always ovulate, that my hormone levels are not at a place to sustain a birth even if I were to get pregnant...and, oh yeah, somehow my body has created antibodies to attack and kill any sperm that comes into contact with my body. As for my husband, he was great...at least for now.
When the doctor went over our results, he said that these are issues that can be overcome with certain procedures, namely putting me back on clomid and adding IUI. He had no doubt that we would be pregnant within the next three months. After two failed IUI attempts, I had to take a break during my third cycle because I had developed a large cyst in one of my ovaries. Finally, the third IUI attempt failed and the doctors response was to schedule me for a laparoscopy to make sure that my ovaries were in working condition. The laparoscopy showed that everything was in great working order. He saw that apparently I had endometriosis at one point due to some scarring on my ovaries, but it was no longer an issue. As a result, the doctor wanted to try a bit more aggressive procedure with me. He decided to put me on injections followed by two IUI's (two days in a row). After going through all of the shots for the first attempt, we decided to cancel the IUI because my ultrasounds showed that I had only produced one follicle. For the second cycle, the Dr. increased my dosage times 4. My ovaries responded very well to that. I had a number of follicles produced, I even remember the nurse getting a huge smile on her face. Everything was finally in my favor. We knew that my body was doing exactly what it was supposed to do, we had a large number of follicles, Craig's soldiers where high in number and stronger than ever...unfortunately...after the two week wait, I got the dreaded call from the nurse to tell me that my blood work was negative.
It was right around here that I found myself surrounded by depression. Well, let's be honest, it was long before this moment!!! However, it was at this point that I needed to get help from an outside source because I knew that I could no longer carry this burden on my own. I ended up calling on my Pastor's wife and asked to meet with her. She became my saving grace. Through a long process, and many meetings, she was able to help me find the part of "ME" that got lost and buried from the "INFERTILE" me. You see...I was the first of all of my friends to marry, however, the last remaining one to have a child. During this long journey of infertility, I would just sit by and watch each one of my friends announce their news of pregnancy...even to the point where a few of them began announcing their second pregnancies. I became extremely jealous and even bitter as I watched them tend to their new bundles of joy. It got to the point where I started to avoid all baby showers. Honestly, I think that I avoided babies, all together, for at least three years of this process. It didn't matter how close the friend was, if they had a baby, I began to isolate myself from them. It was too hard to watch them with their child. It was too hard to be in the same room with a baby and not wonder if I would ever have one to call my own. It helped to distance me from something that I wanted so badly, but couldn't have. Though...I know now that that was the opposite of what I should have done.
After our fifth negative procedure with the infertility clinic, the doctor decided to do one more test on my husband. It turned out that the results showed us that his sperm cannot penetrate an egg. Imagine that?!?! After all that we had gone through...after all of the hormones and injections that I shot up...it would have been nice to have had that test taken in the beginning rather than putting my body through all of that and finding out it was a wasted effort.
From my husbands results, the Dr. told us that our only chance of conceiving was through IVF with ICSI. We were blown away. We would have never imagined that our lives would have ever ventured in this direction. It took us months to be able to actually make a commitment towards this. Craig was all for it, he was all ready to move forward...EASY FOR HIM, he was the one administering the shots and standing next to my bedside during the retrieval and transfer. Me, on the other hand...I wasn't ready for it. I just thought of the pain that we went through with all of the other procedures, I imagined that IVF with be a million times harder to accept if it didn't work out. My prayers during that time were for God to change Craig's heart. I was ready to begin looking into adoption. However, you've heard it a million times, you ask God to change someone else's heart, and it is your own heart that eventually comes around. And so it was, my heart began to change and I felt that, in finding "ME" again, that I had become strong enough to move forward with IVF. I knew that we would regret it if we didn't try everything in our power. So, through much discussion, and hard work trying to save up all $14,000...we decided to go for it. Finally, in the summer of 2008, we did it.
Being a person that HATES shots with a passion, I can't believe that I made it through alive. My husband did so well in giving me my shots. They started out at just two shots a day for about a week, and then to four shots a day for the last week. I took my pills religiously and ate all of the recommended foods while trying to conceive. At the retrieval, they knocked me out with some good old anesthesia and the doctor went in with a HUGE needle to retrieve all of my eggs. We ended up having a total ten eggs retrieved, eight of which were mature enough. Of the eight, five of them were fertilized. The day finally arrived for the transfer (day #3). With the Dr.'s advice we transferred all five embryo's (that was a scary decision, but not all of them were of high grade. The Dr. said that they would just help to tell my body to do what it needs to do in order to sustain a pregnancy). It was absolutely amazing when the embryologist came in to show us the video of him fertilizing each egg and then watching the cells divide each day until the eventually reached a total of 8 cells. AMAZING, truly amazing. It was the first picture of our five little babies.
The "two week" wait was the worst...the longest two weeks of my life. The day came for my blood draw...and the results...NEGATIVE. As soon as I got off the phone, I dropped to my knees and cried on the floor for the rest of the day...and then some. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know why this was happening. I didn't understand why we had to go through all of this. I was broken, and I didn't want to be fixed.
After time had passed, and we were able to gain some sort of healing, we both came to an understanding that God must have a different plan for us in starting our family. It wasn't until November 1st (The first day of "National Adoption Month"...though we didn't know it at the time) that we made the decision official. Through it all, we knew that God had other things in mind for us and we felt ready to find out what they were. We felt that the doors were being closed through the fertility treatments and we were both curious to see if doors would start opening up for us with adoption.
Thus, our journey begins.
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