Crazy Pain

HOLY SMOKES!!!! OK...so do you remember how in my last post I mentioned how the ultrasound showed that my right ovary was at least two times the size of my left ovary and, on top of that, it also contained hemorrhagic cysts as well as multiple follicles.
Today, throughout my day at work, I felt some slight uncomfortableness on the lower right hand side of my abdomen. I didn't think much of it...knowing that things weren't all that great anyways on that "side". Later today, as I held Emily in my arms...rocking her as we sang our routine bedtime songs...I was hit with this amazingly sharp pain in the same place. I accidentally let out a small cry and had to immediately stop singing so I could just hold my breath in hopes of not freaking out Emily anymore. Luckily Craig was there...he kept singing for me, and then was able to take Emily as I sat there crying quietly in horrible pain.
Poor Emily!! She is so empathic to others...right away, she started crying and calling out for "mama". I didn't want to move from the rocking chair until the pain passed...but I felt awful for Emily. I tried to suck it up as I stood up to hold Emily and tried to comfort her, while still crying silently in pain. Craig continued to sing while I swayed with Emily. Eventually I was able to mutter out some of the words of the song that Craig was in the middle of singing. She had finally calmed down, but wanted to be held for a bit longer before being put down.
By the time I put her down in her crib, my pain had subsided. Thank you Lord!!! I had never felt that kind of pain before. It was so sharp and so sudden!!! I'm assuming it was a bursting cyst. I don't know!! I am just glad that it is done!! Have I mentioned that I'm done with Clomid?? Yea...I'm pretty sure this just sealed the deal for me. Hopefully this will be the only ruptured cyst...if that is what it was!!

Some Disappointing News...

Arghh!!!!!
Well, I just had my ultrasound appointment today to monitor the old ovaries while on Clomid...and there was no good news to be told. The technician told me that she found two fibroids on my uterus and some hemorrhagic cysts in my right ovary. When looking at the pictures of my ovaries...the right side was, no joke, 2-3 larger than the left side. What the heck does this all mean?
I always struggle in hearing what the doctor has to say afterwards because I am in a state of shock. I remember her saying, at least I think that I heard her say, that the fibroids can become a cause of infertility. Immediately I could feel my eyes welling up. I kept telling myself, "BE STRONG!!!" "Stay strong Heather!!!" "Think of Emily...You have a beautiful baby girl...Think of Emily!! Meanwhile...at the same time, I'm thinking, "What the heck!?!?!? Seriously...another stumbling block? Another obstacle in my way...on top of everything else we are fighting against in trying to get pregnant? This is one sick joke! You have got to be kidding me!!!"
I know the doctor talked for a lot longer and was probably telling me stuff that I should have been listening to...but it is all just a blur to me. Oh yes, I do remember her saying that she recommended I take at least a month off from the Clomid in order to give my ovaries a break.

So, what now? I called Craig to tell him the good news, and could barely utter out the first words before I became incapable of communicating due to my quivering voice. What makes me so mad at myself is how quick I am to doubt the possibility of having another baby. I have my beautiful daughter sitting in the back seat of the car...and I'm crying because, once again, I have a bad report from the doctors...telling me that I have yet another obstacle. Why can't I stay strong? Why am I so quick to fall back into my old ways of doubt and worry...self pity and jealousy?

When I got home, I did some research on fibroids. It seems to be pretty common, however, the way that it can attribute to infertility is that it can hinder implantation, the risk of miscarriages increases, and depending on where they are located, they can also block fallopian tubes preventing the sperm from reaching the egg. The chances of these being a result of the fibroid is pretty slim...and I need to just remind myself of that because I so easily become that person where it feels like the walls are closing in on me and I am hopeless to stop it.
It's really no big deal...right? 50% of women get fibroids...just not this early in life. In talking with Craig, I kind of feel that I just need to be done with Clomid...for good. I only have one body, and I don't think it is worth it to damage my body if it isn't going to respond well to the medication and if other side effects could be avoided. I already have a hard enough time trying to get pregnant...why make things more difficult?
While researching on fibroids and cysts, I just so happened to come across an adoption website...hmmm. I just remember how good it felt, last time, to begin that process and to actually make progress in moving forward. So...I made a call, and left a message. I'm counting on hearing from them tomorrow.

I Had The Strangest Dream...

I had a dream last night that I was Hannah, Craig was Elkanah, and he actually had another wife Peninnah. What craziness....right? In my dream, Peninnah gave birth to a baby for Craig (or Elkanah, as was his name in my dream)...and she was just rubbing it in my face. I was so pissed. I felt so mad and hurt and upset and jealous. And not only did I feel those things towards "the other woman", but towards Craig as well. How could he? Why wasn't I enough for him?
Yes, I know this was a dream, but here it is, 5AM...and it is still very fresh in my mind. I kid you not, the thing that woke me up out of that nightmare, was not my alarm clock, but my own voice saying over and over again, "STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID". I began saying it in my dream about Peninnah, but I as started waking up and saw Craig next to me, though still completely out of it, I started saying it about him.

Aside from the crazy dream, the 100mg clomid isn't killing me to my surprise. I actually feel more subdued. I don't know if that is because of the clomid or because I have a head cold at the same time...but Craig has been absolutely amazing this time around. I feel as though I am being catered to...he has made amazing dinners, AND cookies!! He has brought me dessert from his parents house in the middle of his football games. He is making it impossible to blow up...which is great because I hate having to come back and apologize.

Back In The Saddle Again

Well...it's a "no go" this month. I've got to say, it amazes me how, for me, when we are trying to conceive...I feel so superstitious. What do I mean? For example...my mom was always so careful around me with what she would say when we were struggling with infertility in the past. The only time that I remember her being so bold as to say that she thought I was pregnant...was when I actually ended up being pregnant. I guess it doesn't take long to forget the sensitivity that is needed in such situation...and in conversation, she stated, once again, that she thought I could be pregnant. I quickly put that theory to rest for her, while inside hoping that she was right...it was still too early to really know. Well, a small part of me actually believed that since she said it again, and since she was actually right the first time...maybe...just maybe she was right this time. NO WAY JOSE!!!
I have to admit though, I'm not doing as poorly as I thought I would. I really was hoping...and not only that...I really did think that this was it. I obviously put too much thought into the teeniest of symptoms and made mole hills into mountains...but that is what one does WHEN IT ISN'T SO DANG EASY getting pregnant like it is for the whole rest of the ENTIRE DARN WORLD!!!! You tell yourself a million times to not get your hopes up, but it is so ridiculously hard when the ultrasound tech says that everything looks great, and the nurse says things look promising, and then I feel like I have to get up all the time to empty my bladder (but do I even think to correlate it to the fact that I am also getting out of bed because Emily is crying...and since I'm up, I might as well use the restroom).
Just consider me as being back on the crazy bus now because I really don't see another option. I am back in the saddle again. Every month I will step onto my roller coaster ride (each month moving on to a crazier version)...over analyzing every little symptom as well as making some up in my head. I will wonder if the gas kicking around in my stomach is actually the baby embryo moving around (I said I was crazy...and yes, that ridiculous thought had entered my mind for a quick second...as crazy as that sounds). I will look back on forums for advice from girls who have no idea what they are talking about yet they will claim to give advice about how my doctors don't know what they are doing (true story). I will become all knowing and wise regarding how others should or (more importantly) should not be parents. I will see others who are parents...who didn't want to be...and therefore question God's intentions, while at the same time providing God with advice about how he should have done things differently. I will start thinking that my "pooch" growing could be the result of a pregnancy rather than a result of me falling for the temptation at the grocery store line: buy 3 candy bars, get 3 free.
Honestly, like I said, I'm doing a lot better than I anticipated...since I had blown so much out of proportion in hopes of actually thinking that I could possible be pregnant. I know that I will be OK if Emily doesn't become a big sister soon. Emily is still so young...and it would be a lot of hard work having two little kids so close in age. I am just fearful of how long it will take again. I knew going into this that it wouldn't happen easily. I was just hoping that this time would be different. I was hoping that my body would have figured out how it was supposed to work. I was hoping that since I already have "my testimony" with Emily now, that I wouldn't have to go through it all over again. One of my favorite movie lines says, "You can wish in one hand and crap in the other...and see which one fills up first". Emily is my answered prayer. Emily is a dream come true. Will I be happy with just one child...absolutely, how could you not be with an amazing child like Emily? Will I be sad/heartbroken if I don't have another child? Honestly...yea. Emily is so wonderful...of course I want more just like her. If it comes down to it, will Emily be enough to satisfy me? I don't even have to think about that...a million times YES!!!!! I hope it doesn't seem like I'm contradicting myself.
In closing...I begin another round of clomid this cycle...a double up dose from last month. Pray for me, or better yet, pray for Craig!!!!