Thursday, January 27, 2011

Some Disappointing News...

Well, I just had my ultrasound appointment today to monitor the old ovaries while on Clomid...and there was no good news to be told. The technician told me that she found two fibroids on my uterus and some hemorrhagic cysts in my right ovary. When looking at the pictures of my ovaries...the right side was, no joke, 2-3 larger than the left side. What the heck does this all mean?
I always struggle in hearing what the doctor has to say afterwards because I am in a state of shock. I remember her saying, at least I think that I heard her say, that the fibroids can become a cause of infertility. Immediately I could feel my eyes welling up. I kept telling myself, "BE STRONG!!!" "Stay strong Heather!!!" "Think of Emily...You have a beautiful baby girl...Think of Emily!! the same time, I'm thinking, "What the heck!?!?!? Seriously...another stumbling block? Another obstacle in my way...on top of everything else we are fighting against in trying to get pregnant? This is one sick joke! You have got to be kidding me!!!"
I know the doctor talked for a lot longer and was probably telling me stuff that I should have been listening to...but it is all just a blur to me. Oh yes, I do remember her saying that she recommended I take at least a month off from the Clomid in order to give my ovaries a break.

So, what now? I called Craig to tell him the good news, and could barely utter out the first words before I became incapable of communicating due to my quivering voice. What makes me so mad at myself is how quick I am to doubt the possibility of having another baby. I have my beautiful daughter sitting in the back seat of the car...and I'm crying because, once again, I have a bad report from the doctors...telling me that I have yet another obstacle. Why can't I stay strong? Why am I so quick to fall back into my old ways of doubt and worry...self pity and jealousy?

When I got home, I did some research on fibroids. It seems to be pretty common, however, the way that it can attribute to infertility is that it can hinder implantation, the risk of miscarriages increases, and depending on where they are located, they can also block fallopian tubes preventing the sperm from reaching the egg. The chances of these being a result of the fibroid is pretty slim...and I need to just remind myself of that because I so easily become that person where it feels like the walls are closing in on me and I am hopeless to stop it.
It's really no big deal...right? 50% of women get fibroids...just not this early in life. In talking with Craig, I kind of feel that I just need to be done with Clomid...for good. I only have one body, and I don't think it is worth it to damage my body if it isn't going to respond well to the medication and if other side effects could be avoided. I already have a hard enough time trying to get pregnant...why make things more difficult?
While researching on fibroids and cysts, I just so happened to come across an adoption website...hmmm. I just remember how good it felt, last time, to begin that process and to actually make progress in moving forward. So...I made a call, and left a message. I'm counting on hearing from them tomorrow.

1 comment:

  1. praying for you, heather. i may not understand what you are going though, but i empathize with your pain. i can only imagine how hard it would be to feel pain for not being able to further add to your family, while feeling guilty about it because you have your sweet little emily. thanks for sharing your story. love you.