Thursday, January 6, 2011

Back In The Saddle Again's a "no go" this month. I've got to say, it amazes me how, for me, when we are trying to conceive...I feel so superstitious. What do I mean? For mom was always so careful around me with what she would say when we were struggling with infertility in the past. The only time that I remember her being so bold as to say that she thought I was pregnant...was when I actually ended up being pregnant. I guess it doesn't take long to forget the sensitivity that is needed in such situation...and in conversation, she stated, once again, that she thought I could be pregnant. I quickly put that theory to rest for her, while inside hoping that she was was still too early to really know. Well, a small part of me actually believed that since she said it again, and since she was actually right the first time...maybe...just maybe she was right this time. NO WAY JOSE!!!
I have to admit though, I'm not doing as poorly as I thought I would. I really was hoping...and not only that...I really did think that this was it. I obviously put too much thought into the teeniest of symptoms and made mole hills into mountains...but that is what one does WHEN IT ISN'T SO DANG EASY getting pregnant like it is for the whole rest of the ENTIRE DARN WORLD!!!! You tell yourself a million times to not get your hopes up, but it is so ridiculously hard when the ultrasound tech says that everything looks great, and the nurse says things look promising, and then I feel like I have to get up all the time to empty my bladder (but do I even think to correlate it to the fact that I am also getting out of bed because Emily is crying...and since I'm up, I might as well use the restroom).
Just consider me as being back on the crazy bus now because I really don't see another option. I am back in the saddle again. Every month I will step onto my roller coaster ride (each month moving on to a crazier version)...over analyzing every little symptom as well as making some up in my head. I will wonder if the gas kicking around in my stomach is actually the baby embryo moving around (I said I was crazy...and yes, that ridiculous thought had entered my mind for a quick crazy as that sounds). I will look back on forums for advice from girls who have no idea what they are talking about yet they will claim to give advice about how my doctors don't know what they are doing (true story). I will become all knowing and wise regarding how others should or (more importantly) should not be parents. I will see others who are parents...who didn't want to be...and therefore question God's intentions, while at the same time providing God with advice about how he should have done things differently. I will start thinking that my "pooch" growing could be the result of a pregnancy rather than a result of me falling for the temptation at the grocery store line: buy 3 candy bars, get 3 free.
Honestly, like I said, I'm doing a lot better than I anticipated...since I had blown so much out of proportion in hopes of actually thinking that I could possible be pregnant. I know that I will be OK if Emily doesn't become a big sister soon. Emily is still so young...and it would be a lot of hard work having two little kids so close in age. I am just fearful of how long it will take again. I knew going into this that it wouldn't happen easily. I was just hoping that this time would be different. I was hoping that my body would have figured out how it was supposed to work. I was hoping that since I already have "my testimony" with Emily now, that I wouldn't have to go through it all over again. One of my favorite movie lines says, "You can wish in one hand and crap in the other...and see which one fills up first". Emily is my answered prayer. Emily is a dream come true. Will I be happy with just one child...absolutely, how could you not be with an amazing child like Emily? Will I be sad/heartbroken if I don't have another child? Honestly...yea. Emily is so wonderful...of course I want more just like her. If it comes down to it, will Emily be enough to satisfy me? I don't even have to think about that...a million times YES!!!!! I hope it doesn't seem like I'm contradicting myself.
In closing...I begin another round of clomid this cycle...a double up dose from last month. Pray for me, or better yet, pray for Craig!!!!

1 comment:

  1. Sorry to hear about the disappointment this month. You can have the seat next to me on the crazy bus. Even when we're taking a break from ttc I still overanalyze symptoms and think gas=pregnancy when it's really just due to the enchilada I ate. Hang in there, praying for ya!